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Posted: October 2005
In This Issue
- What To Do With Books
- Craigslist Finds New Ways to Disturb
- Ovary Mining: Profit In Your Pants
- Letters to the Feditors
- Experience? Uh, no
- Sitting On Babies?
- The Internet = Porn. Porn = The Fed. Logically...
- "Which Came First, the Chicken or the Dregs?"
- Hey, Athletes! Need a Team? Call Me Ishmael.
- Hot Sex? Meh. Mock Interviews? Ooo Yeah, Baby.
- Swipe, Suffer, Suffocate
- From The Desk of Lee "El Cuisinart" Bollinger
- Practice Protectionism in the Bedroom
- Living at the Speed of 2.99x10^8 m/s
- Sensitivity Training Averts Termination
- Congrats, You're Fucked
- The Hierarchy of Columbia
- THEY Watch
Letters to the Feditors
Peasants,
For the two or three of you who won’t go on to work in finance, the future is a scary thing. I’d offer words of solace but, truly, the real world sucks. Working a real job sucks, paying your rent sucks, paying for insurance sucks, paying for food and clothing sucks. Crawl back into the womb while you still can.
Or get comfortable with the idea of posing naked for the price of a large pizza.
Love,
-Sam Jenning, EIC the fed (and of your heart)
-fuglio**@aol.com
Thank you,
B.H.
Hi BH,
I wouldn't trust the flame-throwers at the website on which the article is based, futurehorizons.net, as the site also advertises laser guns and jet packs. Truth be told, the Fed isn't all that knowledgeable about weed removal, just purchase and consumption and witless covert reference. I myself know that some owners of large tracts of land use goats to keep their grounds weed-free the natural way. Goat-flock rental might be available in your area.
Good luck,
Addison Anderson, Submissions Editor
-Andrew <SwimF***@msn.com>
I am writing for an explanation as to why the change was made and whether the change was made at ***'s request. I would appreciate a response as soon as possible by email or phone at (***) Thank you for your assistance.
Eric Contre <E******@ctd.uscourts.gov>
Dear Eric,
Thank you for providing absolutely no context in your query. Our first reaction was to assume you are a stalker. Upon further consideration of the fact that we have indeed been in correspondance with Ms. Clark of late, we figured this is related to troubles in her job search. Apparently, people will do things like write about dildos or respresent a socialist organization, and employers, being shitsucking retards, feel that these youthful indiscretions are a reliable characterization of said writers/interview subjects.
So, we decided you must be the government stooge who has been giving her trouble. As far as our organization is concerned, back off, G-man, stop keeping us down. I am tired of getting hassled by The Man, which is what you are now. Are you happy, stooge?
With regards to Ms. Clark, though, we don't respect that she can't stand by her decisions and, as such, that we have to put up with this bullshit 5 years after we ran the damn article.
Go fuck yourselves,
-Sam Jenning, EIC.
For the two or three of you who won’t go on to work in finance, the future is a scary thing. I’d offer words of solace but, truly, the real world sucks. Working a real job sucks, paying your rent sucks, paying for insurance sucks, paying for food and clothing sucks. Crawl back into the womb while you still can.
Or get comfortable with the idea of posing naked for the price of a large pizza.
Love,
-Sam Jenning, EIC the fed (and of your heart)
Fed Causes Insanity, Erections
I see things...so diverse and insignificant I just want to liberate it and kill it....or put it on a pedestal and make it my bitch......or lower it and make it my ass slave.....or give it helium and make it my upper echelon.....or give it momentum and let it run right up my ass....or make it my bowell movement and let it flush away the progress....but i will probably do neither ...so let me shit and run wild....you ass fucks-fuglio**@aol.com
Good Ideas Abound Herein
I was wondering where I might obtain plans to build a Flamethrower? We have weeds and desert plants that are taking over our property and these things don't burn up the "conventional way", so I thought I would make it "hotter" than usual for them and see if I can get rid of these pesky weeds. All help and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.Thank you,
B.H.
Hi BH,
I wouldn't trust the flame-throwers at the website on which the article is based, futurehorizons.net, as the site also advertises laser guns and jet packs. Truth be told, the Fed isn't all that knowledgeable about weed removal, just purchase and consumption and witless covert reference. I myself know that some owners of large tracts of land use goats to keep their grounds weed-free the natural way. Goat-flock rental might be available in your area.
Good luck,
Addison Anderson, Submissions Editor
Fan Letter for Fledgling Writer
whoever wrote Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay... deserves ALOT of money. funniest shit ive read in a while.-Andrew <SwimF***@msn.com>
The Fed gets Hassled by Feds
Last Thursday (September 29, 2005), I accessed and printed an article from your archives--Volume 15, Issue 7 (Dated March, 2000). The article is entitled In Search of the ISO, Notorious Club Struggles On. When I originally printed the article, it contained a number of quotations attributed to ****. When I accessed the article online this morning, all references to "****" or "****" had been changed to "Melanie Clark" or "Clark."I am writing for an explanation as to why the change was made and whether the change was made at ***'s request. I would appreciate a response as soon as possible by email or phone at (***) Thank you for your assistance.
Eric Contre <E******@ctd.uscourts.gov>
Dear Eric,
Thank you for providing absolutely no context in your query. Our first reaction was to assume you are a stalker. Upon further consideration of the fact that we have indeed been in correspondance with Ms. Clark of late, we figured this is related to troubles in her job search. Apparently, people will do things like write about dildos or respresent a socialist organization, and employers, being shitsucking retards, feel that these youthful indiscretions are a reliable characterization of said writers/interview subjects.
So, we decided you must be the government stooge who has been giving her trouble. As far as our organization is concerned, back off, G-man, stop keeping us down. I am tired of getting hassled by The Man, which is what you are now. Are you happy, stooge?
With regards to Ms. Clark, though, we don't respect that she can't stand by her decisions and, as such, that we have to put up with this bullshit 5 years after we ran the damn article.
Go fuck yourselves,
-Sam Jenning, EIC.