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In This Issue

• What To Do With Books
• Craigslist Finds New Ways to Disturb
• Ovary Mining: Profit In Your Pants
• Letters to the Feditors
• Experience? Uh, no
• Sitting On Babies?
• The Internet = Porn. Porn = The Fed. Logically...
• "Which Came First, the Chicken or the Dregs?"
• Hey, Athletes! Need a Team? Call Me Ishmael.
• Hot Sex? Meh. Mock Interviews? Ooo Yeah, Baby.
• Swipe, Suffer, Suffocate
• From The Desk of Lee "El Cuisinart" Bollinger
• Practice Protectionism in the Bedroom
• Living at the Speed of 2.99x10^8 m/s
• Sensitivity Training Averts Termination
• Congrats, You're Fucked
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• THEY Watch

PAUL SEWELL WILL EAT YOUR SOUL
(Give it up for our guest They Watch author!)

I. Once upon a time, when the M2M was new in town, it was a great place to grab a ten minute lunch. Except now it takes twenty minutes. And you can't buy a pencil case there, or eggs in the afternoon. Furthmore, it turns out that M2M is an internet code for gay mens' hookup sites. Which is not what I am looking for between classes on most Tuesdays. M2M =THEY!

II. It rained for ten days straight! That's ten days! This was clearly God's attempt to destroy us for having more abortions than New Orleans, but we are too strong to fall beneath  his wrath. Basically, God's not nearly as tough as all those christians think he is. What a wuss. God = THEY (or him/it/her...whatever)

III. College walk used to be a safe and relatively fun place to spend time. Its a real shame because now you can't walk down it without harassment from fundamentalist Jews, socialists and Korean bible-toting Baptists. Those who rape you with their beliefs = THEY!

IV. Sick of that kid in your C.C. class who thinks he's fucking Aristotle? You know who he is. Sitting there in his suit, hair combed, paying attention while you struggle through two hours of lectures in sweats and fighting a hang-over. Wannabe boy geniuses that you want to choke = THEY

V. Tired of having papers you don't want to read delivered to your door on a montly  basis? Me too. If I wanted cheap laughs written by people as sick as myself I would read the Onion. All The FED's papers are good for is a back-up wipe when I run out of toilet paper. I hate litter - but I hate the people that read that litter more. The FED and all its loyal readers = THEY!