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In This Issue

• First Aid Failure
• A Recipe for Delicious Choke-O Puffs
• Senior Giving '06 to Fund Expansion
• Letters to the Feditor
• When That All-Night Nominee Still Only Gets a C
• Less Well-Known Choking Placards
• Sexual Perversion in Legoland
• Drink-Or-Treat!
• Minutes from the Debate Between Yes and No
• Silly Catchphrase Spreads Like Plague
• How Fight Club Ruined My Teenhood
• The Green Bodice of My Love
• Can't You Smell That Smell?
• Not Your Average Science Fair Project
• The Adventures of Snakey the Snake
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.3

Michael Bredin

Helen Buyniski

We have all been there. It’s 2:35 in the morning; you are at the same table in Butler that you have been at for the past 6 hours. There are 4 discarded coffee cups surrounding your workstation and you are jittery from all that caffeine. You know that your Islam paper is due in less than 8 hours and you’re trying to churn it out as fast as you can. And then it hits you. Oh shit! How could I have forgotten? I have to pick a new justice for the U.S. Supreme Court! How many times have I been there? Well, more times than I would like to admit.

    Picking a Supreme Court Justice is one of the most important decisions that a president can make. “Supreme Court Justice” is a lifetime title and they act as a lasting legacy of each presidential administration. Reagan? He picked a solid, loyal conservative like himself, William Rehnquist, to steer the court. Eisenhower? He selected a moderate in his own mold, Earl Warren, to bring the court together. And Nixon? He chose the ever-controversial face-eating vampire Count Viletooth to make sure his own interests would always have a place on the court. Three presidents and three excellent choices, except of course, for Count Viletooth, who was expelled from the court for killing and gorging upon the flesh of Debbie Roe, from the famous Roe v. Wade case, after ruling against her. But how can modern presidents live up to these great decisions? Well, we here at the Fed would like to share with the president and his ever-adoring public some tips on finding the perfect, new Supreme Court Justice.

    Picking a new Supreme Court Justice isn’t like buying a new puppy for the family; unlike a puppy, if the justice doesn’t work out, you can’t beat it to death with a shovel in the back yard. Each president must select a justice that he (I deliberately say “he”, and not the gay “he or she”) is and will forever be comfortable with. My suggestion? When selecting a new Supreme Court justice, stand naked with them for an hour during the interview. If either of you giggle, they’re probably not the best person for the job. But if you can stand naked in front of them for an hour without the nakedness becoming a distraction and without vomiting at the sight of their wrinkled, dilapidated form, hire them on the spot. Oh, wait, hold on. First you should perform a background check. Most people aren’t aware of this, but the majority of Supreme Court justices were lawyers earlier in their lives. It would help if your choice for Supreme Court justice has some sort of background in constitutional law, but if one cannot be found, just pick the next best thing, your personal legal counsel and former Texas lottery commissioner. As we all know, Lottery Commissioners are of unimpeachable integrity and can be trusted with making the right decisions on cases about intellectual property rights, the death penalty, etc.

    Now lets look at some of the ways presidents of the past have found the right man or woman for the job. One way is picking the person with the most embarrassing old-timey name you can find. FDR picked associate justice Wiley B. Rutledge. Lincoln picked Salmon P. Chase, and Jefferson picked Brockholst Livingston. So if you know a good lawyer named something like Hickory Explosion or Zebulon Artemis Fisticuffs, hire them immediately. Other presidents like picking Supreme Court Justices that they know and that will be loyal to them. Case in point, Lyndon Johnson named his personal lawyer Abe Fortas to the bench after a night of Tequila shots and sloppy make-out sessions. Don’t pick anyone for the job unless they are willing to give you, like, at least a quick hand job in the Oval Office when you are feeling down.

    The final tactic that you could use is appointing a minority to the court. The first minority on the court, Louis Brandeis, was a Jew and a good pick. That is, until he was expelled from the bench for being the only justice to support Romans in the landmark case of Jesus v. Crucifix. In memoriam of this historic event, Brandeis College was founded outside of Boston, where your ugly, nebishy cousin Shira goes today. Lyndon Johnson picked Thurgood Marshall, the first black man on the court.  Marshall became an important figure in the history of civil rights. Fortunately, Clarence Thomas has eroded all of those important steps forward that Marshall made for African- Americans. And than there was Sandra D. No, not from Grease! Sandra Day O’Connor. Her choice as the first female Supreme Court Justice was part of a promise Reagan made in the election of 1980 to “put a cunt on the Supreme Court.” But O’Connor has turned out to be a great pick, known for her moderate social stance. Except she really can’t be trusted to make proper legal decisions four days a month. It’s just science.

    We hope that these tips have helped to give you some insight into who you should choose to be the next Supreme Court Justice. If your base is strong and thoroughly entrenched in every branch of government; don’t expect any dissent about your choice. It will be a cakewalk. Everyone respects the choices that you make.