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In This Issue

• First Aid Failure
• A Recipe for Delicious Choke-O Puffs
• Senior Giving '06 to Fund Expansion
• Letters to the Feditor
• When That All-Night Nominee Still Only Gets a C
• Less Well-Known Choking Placards
• Sexual Perversion in Legoland
• Drink-Or-Treat!
• Minutes from the Debate Between Yes and No
• Silly Catchphrase Spreads Like Plague
• How Fight Club Ruined My Teenhood
• The Green Bodice of My Love
• Can't You Smell That Smell?
• Not Your Average Science Fair Project
• The Adventures of Snakey the Snake
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.3

Mike Bredin

Russell Spitzer

Perfecting the age-old sandwich trick.

When I was growing up my younger brother was a hard core Lego fan. He would spend hours meticulously following Lego building plans and emerge with elaborate Lego pirate ships and ninja castles. I, on the other hand, never had the patience required to follow a Lego blueprint. I chose to be more creative with my Lego building. This translated into my building a set of Lego torture chambers. I had a fire pit, a rack, a scorpion/alligator pit and after reading Matilda I even built a chokey. To top it all off I thought it was extremely amusing to decorate my torture devices with the heads of my Lego victims. I am fully aware that this was an odd thing to do, but I was an odd kid. So I was surprised to learn that I am not the only person who has used Legos in a less than traditional manner.

Last week I was aimlessly browsing through the internet when I came upon The Brick Testament. The Brick Testament is a parodied telling of the Bible through Legos. Initially I was unaware that the site was anything but a perfectly normal telling. I innocently browsed through the Creation chapter and noticed nothing wrong. In hindsight, I probably should have been tipped off that something wasn’t right by the time I reached a scene in which God makes out with Adam. Continued exploration revealed further tableaux of naked Legos going at it and mass amounts of Lego violence and gore. However, the true oddity of the site didn’t hit home until I found the section on Bestiality; it starts with a man raping a bear. Next: a naked woman “presenting” herself to be sodomized by the trunk of an elephant. The last scene has a Lego in safari gear shoot both the animals and the people with a hunting rifle. I found a number of other disturbing sections, including one on circumcision that featured a mound of Lego foreskins. A chapter on incest included a scene where a full grown male Lego has sex with little girl Duplo. Still, nothing else I found on the sight rivaled the bestiality in its ability to disturb.

At this point, any remotely normal person would have run away in horror and never ever thought about these unspeakables again. I on the other hand was strangely intrigued. I wondered if there might be other cases of what can be euphemistically termed “unorthodox” Lego use. Lo and behold, I found that Lego perversion, especially of the sexual sort, was very popular. In Nevada, a Belgian artist built a giant statue of a naked Lego woman right on the highway. Her two enormous bright pink Lego boobs and a completely square patch of yellow pubic hair greet any car that might be passing by. In Oslo, an artist used 3D scanning to make a 5m, about 15 feet, tall Lego model of herself. Naked, of course. The model is extremely detailed, right down to the nipples on her breasts. I also learned that each of the four Legoland theme parks across the world are filled with bored Lego master builders trying to make their jobs a little less tedious. This translates into hiding Legos drinking, mooning, flashing and of course having sex in their displays. Finally, I found a site that had six Lego pornos played out in story boards. It contained most porno cliches: repair men, lonely housewives, lesbianism, S&M, blowjobs etc. The most unique thing about that site was not the pornographic imagery – I found that everywhere – but that it was the only place I found Lego versions of male genitalia.

So what have I learned from my investigations? Firstly it seems I’m not as strange as I thought. Actually, it would probably be more accurate to say that the world, and more specifically the internet, is just a far stranger place than I thought. Secondly, all the sites I looked at used Legos to compensate for a lack of talent. These people are using Legos because they can’t draw, sculpt or animate by themselves. Legos didn’t cause people not to suck at these things and it’s not logical to take out one’s lack of natural ability on innocent children’s toys. So right here and now I call an end to all Lego abuse. I don’t care if you’re bored. I don’t care if you’re trying to make a political statement. I don’t care if, through Legos, you’ve found the one true way of expressing your useless soul. These are not legitimate reasons to ass rape the many happy and innocent Lego memories that exist in the country, nay the world’s, collective consciousness. I for one see the error in my ways and will never torture another Lego for as long as I live.