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In This Issue

• First Aid Failure
• A Recipe for Delicious Choke-O Puffs
• Senior Giving '06 to Fund Expansion
• Letters to the Feditor
• When That All-Night Nominee Still Only Gets a C
• Less Well-Known Choking Placards
• Sexual Perversion in Legoland
• Drink-Or-Treat!
• Minutes from the Debate Between Yes and No
• Silly Catchphrase Spreads Like Plague
• How Fight Club Ruined My Teenhood
• The Green Bodice of My Love
• Can't You Smell That Smell?
• Not Your Average Science Fair Project
• The Adventures of Snakey the Snake
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.3

Kimi Traube

Is M.C. Escher gonna have to choke a bitch?

For all its problems, America sure does one thing right: warning. In my trials, travels, and travails across the land(s), I’ve seen many a hazard declared via placard and pamphlet alike. What possible danger is most announced? Choking! Here are the greatest hits from the esophagal disaster avoidance guides I’ve seen in restaraunts, diners, eateries, and greasy spoons.

(Honestly, that whole intro can be condensed to: “Here’s what they SHOULD warn you about choking!” – the author)

-You can choke on all sorts of things, notably fire. Fire will not only burn you, but it will also burn up all your oxygen so you will choke.

-If you are choking, try not to panic. Just remember that God has His reasons.

-Chokers almost always clutch their throats to suggest to others that they are choking. This is really not necessary. Why not spice up your choking by pointing to other body parts? Shove a chicken bone down your throat and rub your knees.

-The Heimlich maneuver can save a person’s life, but a particularly forceful execution of the maneuver can crack a choker’s rib. And we all know what people with missing ribs can do. And we all know that this resulting capacity entails choking hazards of its own. And we all know that these hazards are called irony.

-The verb “choke” has two meanings: one widespread primary meaning, to cause or to suffer from a stoppage of air flow, and a secondary meaning from sports terminology, to fail in an athletic endeavor at a crucial moment. It is important to bear this distinction in mind when reacting to someone who is choking. If your friend is choking on a piece of food, do not start booing him. Do not clutch your temples in anger while he turns red. Do not attempt to trade him for a more reliable friend from another city. Likewise, if your local sports team’s star player is bungling your hometown’s playoff hopes, do not inform a waiter. Breaking his ribs is, of course, another matter.

-If you have decided to choke someone, make sure you extend your black garrot-wire between your two clenched, gloved fists when you are in a crouching position at least ten feet away from the person. When choking the person, either remain totally silent, or grunt “Yeah. How does it feel?” Asking the person questions is a good idea, because his answers – such as, “It doesn’t feel good.” – will require him to exhale slightly, and this will expedite the choking-to-death.

-In the movies, choking a person takes about fifteen seconds. This is because movie stars are the easiest people to kill.

-If you must choke on food, make sure it is food you wouldn’t mind someone finding in you later. In other words, don’t choke on dirty underwear.

-Some people like to be choked during sex. Some people like to be lit on fire during sex. Some people like to be covered in roast beef and maple syrup throughout the solstice.

-A choking experience can entail the flashing of one’s life before one’s eyes. If possible, try to include several episodes within the span of your life depicting ways to survive choking. These may prove useful.

-If you and a friend are each choking on things, pretend like you are choking each other. A final fight to the death is much more respectable than two accidental deaths from McNuggets.