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In This Issue

• First Aid Failure
• A Recipe for Delicious Choke-O Puffs
• Senior Giving '06 to Fund Expansion
• Letters to the Feditor
• When That All-Night Nominee Still Only Gets a C
• Less Well-Known Choking Placards
• Sexual Perversion in Legoland
• Drink-Or-Treat!
• Minutes from the Debate Between Yes and No
• Silly Catchphrase Spreads Like Plague
• How Fight Club Ruined My Teenhood
• The Green Bodice of My Love
• Can't You Smell That Smell?
• Not Your Average Science Fair Project
• The Adventures of Snakey the Snake
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.3

I. Admittedly , life isn't always that interesting on campus; we do the same things day after day, always listening to the same people talk about the same narrow set of subjects. But it's not really that different anyplace else; some other places are, in fact, much more boring. Like the City Hall Zoning Office. But they're still on the cover of the Spectator practically every day, even when  what they're doing doesn't relate to the Columbia expansion. Let's get something straight: zoning laws are not a fascinating subject, in Harlem or anyplace else. Continuous news coverage of petty real estate squabbles=THEY!

II. About two weeks ago, I found a packet of about a dozen number puzzles of a type I'd never seen before left behind on one of the ACIS printers. I took one of them and filled it out. It took about a half an hour and was mildly amusing, but, in retrospect, not a particularly good use of time. Two weeks later, suddenly everyone knows what a "Sudoku" is (and pretends that they always have), and it's practically replaced crossword puzzles as the best antidote to a boring lecture session. But a Sudoku is not like a crossword puzzle; a good crossword puzzle is witty and surprising and requires not only vocabulary but creativity and flexible thinking. Sudoku, on the other hand, is completely algorithmic and requires only patience and sometimes a good eraser. The Japanese are obviously trying to destroy our uniquely American sense of creativity and individuality yet again! Sudoku=THEY!

III. Just in time to become fodder for a completely inappropriate and heartless joke in The Fed's "Choking Hazard" issue, a SEAS alumnus just a few blocks uptown went Hollis Brown on his family with carbon monoxide last week rather than endure the indignity of moving back in with his mom (a situation that most of us can relate to, minus the wife and kids.) Oh Fate, why do you torment us so? Ill-timed asphyxiations=THEY!