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In This Issue
- Positively Sino-Soidal
- AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
- A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
- Letters to the Editor
- International Yuks
- Après Moi, Le Corbusier
- Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
- The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
- Shut Up, Shut Up.
- To Sachs With Love
- Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
- Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
- A Lesson on Father Christmas
- Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
- Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
- Politics: Opiate of the Asses
- A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
- Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
- Things Around the World on Which to Pee
- Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
- Mario Around the World!
- THEY WATCH
- The Staff of 21.4
A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
International House of Deceit
Michael Grinspan
Hey, I've got a question for you: what the fuck is so international about the International House of Pancakes? IHOP, as it is better known, is probably one of the greatest fallacies of modern marketing. The very notion that this haven for stoners and old people is "international" is up there in the pantheon of the greatest bullshit marketing devices of all time. Some of its peers include the Army's "Be all that you can be", Applebee's "Eatin' good in the neighborhood" and McDonald's "There is no rat shit in our French fries." Lies, lies, lies. When was the last time you were in an "I"HOP and you overheard people reciting Kenyan poetry or talking about Turkey's potential E.U. membership? Never, that's when. You know what the most typical conversations overheard at an "I"HOP are? They're something along the lines of "Dude, I am so stoned, I think that shit was laced" or "So it turns out that I ain't the father of LaShondra's baby," or the classic "Dude, I got so stoned that I fucked LaShondra." Do any of those gems sound like the musings of Aung San Suu Kyi, Benjamin Disraeli, or any other international luminaries? They don't to me.
But why would "I"HOP call itself "international?" Do those smug motherfuckers think that those steep blue roofs make their restaurants look like Swiss ski chalets? How many ski chalets have you seen in a strip mall between a used Ford dealership and your local Libertarian Party headquarters? Or let's look at their "international" menu. Now, I am not going to deride the quality of the food at "I"HOP. I have spent many a night at "I"HOP eating to suppress my painful depression, but enough about my sordid and abusive childhood. However, I question the quality of some of the more "international" dishes that grace "I"HOP's storied menu. Their dessert crepes, their loganberry pancakes, their famous Foie Gras & Onion Rings platter. Do they honestly think that we go to "I"HOP for a little taste of Europe? No! Fiddle sticks! Poopy doop! Moreover, if IHOP is really so "international" wouldn't their "international" dishes run the gambit of food that people eat all across the planet? I ain't never seen no poi on the "I"HOP menu. I ain't seen no sushi, chicken tikka masala, or spinach kuggel neither.
But if "I"HOP were really to change its menu and building to accurately reflect global culture, no one would want to eat there. Most of the food eaten in this world is consumed in tarpaper shacks held together by twine, mud, cow shit, and the blessing of Allah. Also, most people in this world survive on rice and beans and U.N. food rations. Would you really want to go to a chain restaurant where you ate government rations in a dilapidated shack that smelled like African cow shit? No! "I"HOP's customer base would be ruined. What's worse is that if "I"HOP were to make said changes, all of these asshole celebrities like Bono and Bob Geldof would show up at "I"HOP" every time you're sitting down to eat and bitch about "The global poverty of this world and how rock can bring us all together." I fucking hate Bono! How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb was shallow and pedantic. And, finally, if we are taking this idea to its logical conclusion, "I"HOP wouldn't truly be the "international" house of pancakes unless the entire world ran it. In that case, "I"HOP wouldn't be operated by a private business, it would be run by the U.N. It would take six to eight years to get a table, three-and-a-half months to order some mozzarella sticks, and the Syrians would block any Israeli from ordering the smiley face pancake platter.
I think it's clear that "I"HOP has two options. It could accept the truth and drop the "International" from its name or, conversely, it could hand over the reigns of power to the U.N. and become truly "International". I suggest that "I"HOP goes with the first choice. They need a new name. My suggestion? Maybe they should adopt one of those non-threatening and fun last names of Irish origin that other chains like Bennigan's and Houlihan's have. They could rename themselves something along the lines of O'Leprechaun's or Cirrhosis-of-the-Liver-igan's. One thing is for sure; the use of "International" can no longer be ignored. America needs to wake up to this flagrant abuse of nomenclature. This isn't like the Darfur; you can't just ignore the problem and wait for it to go away. This demands action!