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In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

Unpopular?  Poorly groomed? American?  We all have these problems, and many of us wish we could hide them.  Well, get out from under your NASCAR t-shirt, it's time to get address your embarrassing nationality head-on with a fake accent.

    Now, when trying to fake a foreign accent remember these tips, which are sure to guarantee success.  In order to maximize "foreignosity," make your accent completely unidentifiable.  It should be Greco-Irish-Mexi-British.  Or: French-Klingon.  Beginners should aim for a "somewhere in that Europe place" locale; for those with more experience, the true challenge is making your native continent absolutely indistinguishable. Sprinkle phrases like "where I come from" and "in my country" into your daily speech. For example, "In my country, I would like a cheeseburger."  Or "Where I come from, these pills are totally legal."  Grow a mustache.  A mustache makes any foreign accent more believable.  They are inherently foreign, like compact cars.

    After mastering the art of faking a foreign accent, you will immediately begin to enjoy a number of perks.  To begin with, women are instantly more attracted to you.  As an American, if you go up to a woman and ask her, "Wanna fuck?" you will most likely get slapped.  Now, put on your ambiguously foreign accent and ask, "Fancy a shag?" and WHAM! Instantaneous foreign lovin'.  Once you have attracted a date, you can retreat conveniently into your accent when she asks uncomfortable questions, such as "Are you gonna pay for the cab?" or "Is that herpes?"  Simply reply passionately but with an inner romantic melancholy, "Smrargish floover zee wahn."

The American assumption that Europeans have inferior cleanliness will only contribute to the believability of your accent.  Your lack of dental hygiene as a child will become a charming personality trait.  Instead of blaming your rotting stink hole of a mouth on poverty or general slovenliness, you can make it sound like oral care is a luxury your fascist government denied to the masses. "In my country, I cannot afford toothpaste."  Nobody can resist a proletariat. Foreigners also don't have B.O, they have "musk," reducing the need to shower or wear deodorant on a regular basis.  

    Trouble with the law?  You can seek political asylum within the very country that is trying to press charges against you! When confronted by the police say, "Where I come from, marijuana is for tax purposes only.  Asylum!"  Your vague accent will also allow to gain access to locations generally closed to you.  You will get into all foreign embassies and all the good French restaurants.

    A foreigner is held to lower standards than the average American, making it easier for you to get better grades with less effort.  After all, English is clearly your second language.  Try this in all your classes!  "In my country, this program would compile" and "Where I come from, the post-structuralist implications of Foucault's reasoning stand in stark contrast to my own sense of retributive justice... which involves goats."  Ownership of goats, or as I like to call it, goatnership, is also very foreign.  You will also be much more marketable when you enter the professional world, ensuring an easy job search and a much higher starting salary!