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In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

The Alamo

Difficulty: A Full Bladder at a Quiet Rest Stop

“Remember The Alamo,” Texans say – and what better way for you to remember it by “marking your territory” the way the Texans marked theirs as a briefly independent republic? Davy Crockett would be proud of your wilderness survival skills as you nimbly dodge the throngs of disinterested tourists to eke out a corner of your own for the Republic of Texas to remember you by. The “King of the Wild Frontier” may have killed him a bear when he was only three, but did he desecrate a giant national tchotchke with such panache? I think not!

The Blarney Stone

Difficulty: Behind a Tree at the Fourth of July Picnic

Kissing the Blarney Stone is said to bring good luck. Little do those countless pilgrims know that there’s gonna be more than just the luck ‘o the Irish on their lips. The Blarney Stone, for reasons the Irish themselves don’t really understand, is embedded in a castle somewhere. Reaching the stone once you’ve loaded up at a nearby pub will require some delicate maneuvering. It won’t be easy, but once you’ve done it, you can say you know exactly why Irish eyes aren’t smiling – you turned their rock of ages into a salt lick.

The Wailing Wall

Difficulty: Repeatedly Jostled During The 7th Inning Stretch

The western wall of the second great temple of Jerusalem, destroyed circa 70 AD by the Romans, is a perfect location for you to add insult to injury, 2000 years later! The crevices of the façade are used by pilgrims to store prayers – but for you, they can be the ideal receptacles for your bladder’s secretions. It can be tough to fill ‘em up discreetly with everybody constantly bobbing and praying as they do, but a well-timed cry of “Look! Over there! The salvation of our people!” should give you the opportunity to move on down the line.

Lenin’s Body

Difficulty: With the Doctor Watching During a Drug Test

Ah, Vladimir Lenin, founder of modern Communism. The mummified man behind the USSR! Remind those damn Ruskies that the war is over and we won. Bitches. Security is very high, but thanks to the wonders of the free market you can usually buy some time with a few well-placed handles of Stoli. Inside the tomb itself, it’s just you and Comrade Lenin, and you can let him know just how fortunate it is that his sickle lets you get hammered so damn often. That’s one small leak for a man, one giant piss for democracy! USA! USA!

Kim-Jong Il

Difficulty: Passing a Kidney Stone in a Tanzanian Brothel

This is the mother of all international urinary endeavors. Kim-Jong Il, aka “Dear Leader,” lives deep within the closed zone of North Korea, with his million-man army and a promise to engulf the United States in a “rain of fire.” Well, you’re about to engulf him in a “rain of urea.” Parachute into Pyongyang disguised as a cinder block. You’ll fit right in. Wait for the bi-hourly military parade, bribe his honor guard with some actual food, and let loose. Congratulations, you’ve pissed on the most dangerous man in the world. NOW RUN!