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In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

Mike Bredin

Now, I am as patriotic as any other American. I go to 4th of July parades, I like baseball, and I hate fags. I am as red-blooded as anyone else in this beautiful land, but there is something that I have to say. I’m not the biggest fan of George W. Bush. Yeah, he’s alright, I guess, but he was way cooler back when he was at Yale, doing coke off of William F. Buckley’s wrinkled, WASPy ass. I don’t really like him anymore. Moreover, I am pretty sure that there is no one in the entirety of the United States that can adequately and entertainingly play the role of the President. That is why, dear readers, we must look to Venezuela. That’s right, Venezuela. Let me be the first person to call for the election of Hugo Chavez as President of the United States. Chavez in 2008!

    Who is Hugo Chavez? He is the glorious and highly entertaining president of Venezuela who came to power after a populist election and a rather smooth coup attempt. I know what you’re saying: “But Michael, he is a foreigner and hates America. Why should we elect Chavez? Why not just put Kim Jong-Il on a ticket with Robert Mugabe as his running mate?” Well, dumbass, everyone knows that Kim and Robert aren’t on speaking terms since the great Who Starves and Tortures Their Citizens More? debate of 1999. Besides, Hugo Chavez doesn’t hate America – he hates Americans. That’s a big difference. You don’t hate the Porsche, you hate the asshole driving it, right? Anyway, he already has a lot of experience running a once-productive nation right into the ground. And hey, we are already in a dizzying tailspin. All Chavez has to do is sit in the cockpit, keep his hands off the controls and maybe squeeze in a quickie with the stewardess. If you don’t believe me, just look at his record.

    First of all, after coming to power in 2001 and without getting permission from the people or the parliament, Hugo Chavez up and changed the name of the country from “Venezuela” to “The Republic of Venezuela.” That’s so fucking cool! He’s like the P. Diddy of the geo-political scene. They are both self-obsessed megalomaniacs. No one else has those balls. Also, after Hurricane Katrina struck, Chavez sent cheap oil to the newly homeless residents of New Orleans to piss off the Bush Administration and their oil company friends. That's compassion. He’s like your friend's father who buys you beer once in a while when you’re 16.

     Most recently, and I swear to God this is true, Chavez picked a huge fight with the Mexican president Vicente Fox over CAFTA. Chavez then went on the Venezuelan equivalent of 20/20 (Veinte/Veinte I believe) and sang a Venezuelan folk song into the camera addressed to Fox saying something to effect of “don’t bark at this dog, because he will bite you instead of bark.” Motherfucker is like 2Pac. How fucking cool is that? He went on TV in Venezuela and just dissed all up and down his Mexican equivalent. You never see Tony Blair go on television and say “Um, excuse me, but I believe that the German Chancellor Angela Merkel, oh, what were the Queen’s words again, ah yes, the right honourable Angela Merkel is a cock-juggling thunder-cunt who’d fuck retards if it weren’t illegal.” You never see that ‘cause none of these other president motherfuckers are as cool as Chavez. And then, when in retaliation – gasp – the Mexicans threatened to pull their ambassador to Venezuela out of Caracas, that slick motherfucker Chavez went behind the Mexicans' back and actually pulled the Venezuelan ambassador to Mexico out of Mexico City. Once that happened, they threw a killer party at the embassy with, like, piles of cock to the ceiling, and I heard that some girl got peed on. Well, that part is not true, but the rest is. You’d have to be pretty fucking lame if you didn’t agree with me that Chavez is one smooth cat. Cool enough to be U.S. president? Definitely. Your choice for President in 2008? Hopefully.