• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

Helen Buyniski

Learning esperanto is like getting a tan, a sex-change operation, and kicked in the face.

Hello! Hola! Aloha! Imballatore del fondente! Violez-Moi! Dringen Sie Polen!  There are so many different languages that humans use, and without exception, every one of them is a waste of breath. We spend so much time learning to speak and communicate in English only to be told that no, Sven isn’t retarded, he’s speaking Swedish. Well let me tell you what, I’m tired of this language barrier. Think of how many nations around the world are being deprived of Gwen Stefani’s “Holla Back Girl” because of their inability to find a colloquial expression matching the subtleties of the word “Holla”.

    Now don’t go pointing fingers at me: “You egotistical prick, what makes you think the most godly and pure of all the languages, English, should be taught to the poor uneducated illiterate masses of the world, including, heaven forbid, the French.” I never said anything about English. I have a language that everyone, irrespective of racial inability to become educated, can learn and become fluent in: bland and sterile Esperanto!

Esperanto is Esperanto for “the greatest language ever invented”. With no irregularities and thirteen different words for those little things on the ends of shoelaces, how could it have any weaknesses? The only difficulty is that, at the moment, Esperanto is not spoken or written by anyone on this planet. But don’t worry, a worldwide fear and torture campaign can fix that in a jiffy! There is no faster way to learn a language than the total immersion of being beaten by large men with a faint smell of the sea.

I acknowledge that Esperanto rocks me like only a lover should, but where did it come from?

An insane old man created Esperanto sometime long ago, prior to the existence of the written word (Note: I did no research on the history of Esperanto). Fed up with the warring tribes in his area, he ran to the local Meat Poundery. For those who don’t know, that is where the meat is pounded by the womenfolk. There, he summoned the tribes, they came, and he, the master debater that he was, explained a great idea to them all. "Give up your natural languages, and adopt a new one of my artificial creation!" Reception of his statement was poor and he was promptly sacrificed to the God of Left-handed Scissors. Fortunately for us, his legacy lives on in his creation, Esperanto.

The benefits of this language are incredible.

For example, when we are conquered by the Chinese, obeying your new communists overlords will be a lot easier without a communication gap!  

For anyone who thinks that love is the international language, I’d like to point out that Esperanto could kick love’s ass any day of the week.  For example, in Germany recently, I kissed a girl on the street and you know what happened? They put me in jail! Twelve years old, my ass.  Have you ever seen anything intelligent communicated with love? Because my neighbors seem to be well versed, they practice nightly, but haven’t transferred any information to me. This is except for hours of entertainment and the material to start my own web based business: MyNakedNeighbors.com. Obviously Esperanto is more efficient in all of these matters even if it is unrelated to porn.   For now.

Esperanto-porn is the wave of the future.  Once the porno industry adopts Esperanto as their lingua franca, it’s only a matter of time before lonely men everywhere can unashamedly say “Mi parolas Esperanton.”

So, children, I hope I’ve shown you that the world will be a better place with Esperanto. Take the first steps today in making the world an easier target for conquest ... I mean, a better place. So adios, shalom, bumsen, and of course, subi mia regulo.