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Posted: December 2005
In This Issue
- Positively Sino-Soidal
- AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
- A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
- Letters to the Editor
- International Yuks
- Après Moi, Le Corbusier
- Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
- The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
- Shut Up, Shut Up.
- To Sachs With Love
- Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
- Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
- A Lesson on Father Christmas
- Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
- Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
- Politics: Opiate of the Asses
- A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
- Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
- Things Around the World on Which to Pee
- Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
- Mario Around the World!
- THEY WATCH
- The Staff of 21.4
Letters to the Editor
Peasants,
As an absolute monarch, I find our "University Senate" to be a troubling concept. I'm sure Supreme Leader and President-for-Life Bollinger sometimes feels the same way. I can't help but be ill-at-ease knowing that, behind my back, all the senators are planning out military campaigns against the visigoths or levying taxes on the plebians or plotting to assasinate me or whatever. Honestly, I was heading home from the vomitorium the other day and I ran into Caius Marcus and he was like "man, I just don't know if I have the energy to persecute Christians after yesterday's orgy." Yeah, when they say "town hall" they mean orgies, but you wouldn't know because those incredibly important senate meetings usually take place at obscenely inconvenient times.
In all seriousness our senate would be a little more interesting if it more resembled its republican forebears. Every meeting would degenerate into orgies or stabbings or beatings-to-death. The Spec would still botch coverage, but at least I'd have something else to jack off to.
See you on the flipside (of the Rubicon),
Sam Jenning, EIC.
To do. Finalize the following paragraph which is in draft, and then include it in the email that I'm distributing domestic and international. Be sure and include the website so recipients can visit and see the Mormon CIA "Gifts of Mobility" wheelchair for themselves, since the website is configured so that it cannot be copied and pasted. ...Until Justice Rolls Down Like Waters and Righteousness Like a Mighty Stream
Martin Luther King
several children standing in front of of yellow school bus, and an African American female in a Mormon CIA "Gifts of Mobility" wheelchair. There are several other photographs including the African Amerian female in a wheelchair with a white female and a white male standing behind her, and right next to her, an African American boy about, oh, I'd say, about 12 years old or so, just big enough for a Mormon CIA "Gift of Mobility" wheelchair, too, if black parents don't see things the "right" way.
Also to do. Try to find out the names of the CIA Mormons who publish The Fed, at Columbia.
< Lee****@aol.com>
Sam: He's on to us.
Bill: Seriously, what the fuck.
Sam: It's a good thing we removed that URL from his email, it would have blown us wide open.
Bill: Yes, well done. Now we must perform the secret CIA Mormon Fed handshake.
I am a little awed. Currently, I'm studying journalism at the self proclaimed "greatest journalism institution in the country" and yet our student paper won't let me write about student elections, ethical campaigns. The university won't let (as of yesterday) us set up a Current Affairs society, as they feel it will "incite radical extremists to the university". If that isn't the most nonsensical stream of bile then...
Nevertheless, I have a feature idea you might like. It's World Television Day on Monday (21st), and despite being a UN effort to promote cultural exchange, no channels or networks are programming anything specifically for it, in both the UK and the states.
Are they failing to recognise TV as a possible power for good, or do they realise that television is actually becoming redundant as a form of mass 'binding' communication?
I am a bit far flung, in the smog of London, but I think all the cultural exchange we can get is only a bonus. I remain the disgruntled journo student.
-Emily Clarke
Dear Emily,
TV is bad. The Fed is good. And when relevant cultural exchange is defined by college humor rags, we are more than ready to assume our role as primary conduit for all things awesome. Also, your university sounds like a bunch of bloody wankers, or as we'd say here, retarded cockgobblers. How's that for cultural exchange?
Kisses,
Sam Jenning, EIC and Continental Playboy
Advertise for someone mathematical to test it.
- Julia Strawberry,
Dear Julia,
Math is hard! And only nerds know math! Tell us when we get to advertise for cute football players to take us to the movies, that'd be hotttt!
*Giggle*
-Sam.
As an absolute monarch, I find our "University Senate" to be a troubling concept. I'm sure Supreme Leader and President-for-Life Bollinger sometimes feels the same way. I can't help but be ill-at-ease knowing that, behind my back, all the senators are planning out military campaigns against the visigoths or levying taxes on the plebians or plotting to assasinate me or whatever. Honestly, I was heading home from the vomitorium the other day and I ran into Caius Marcus and he was like "man, I just don't know if I have the energy to persecute Christians after yesterday's orgy." Yeah, when they say "town hall" they mean orgies, but you wouldn't know because those incredibly important senate meetings usually take place at obscenely inconvenient times.
In all seriousness our senate would be a little more interesting if it more resembled its republican forebears. Every meeting would degenerate into orgies or stabbings or beatings-to-death. The Spec would still botch coverage, but at least I'd have something else to jack off to.
See you on the flipside (of the Rubicon),
Sam Jenning, EIC.
Fed Conspiracy Theory
to thefedTo do. Finalize the following paragraph which is in draft, and then include it in the email that I'm distributing domestic and international. Be sure and include the website so recipients can visit and see the Mormon CIA "Gifts of Mobility" wheelchair for themselves, since the website is configured so that it cannot be copied and pasted. ...Until Justice Rolls Down Like Waters and Righteousness Like a Mighty Stream
Martin Luther King
several children standing in front of of yellow school bus, and an African American female in a Mormon CIA "Gifts of Mobility" wheelchair. There are several other photographs including the African Amerian female in a wheelchair with a white female and a white male standing behind her, and right next to her, an African American boy about, oh, I'd say, about 12 years old or so, just big enough for a Mormon CIA "Gift of Mobility" wheelchair, too, if black parents don't see things the "right" way.
Also to do. Try to find out the names of the CIA Mormons who publish The Fed, at Columbia.
< Lee****@aol.com>
Sam: He's on to us.
Bill: Seriously, what the fuck.
Sam: It's a good thing we removed that URL from his email, it would have blown us wide open.
Bill: Yes, well done. Now we must perform the secret CIA Mormon Fed handshake.
The Sad State of Anarchy in the UK
Dear Fed...I am a little awed. Currently, I'm studying journalism at the self proclaimed "greatest journalism institution in the country" and yet our student paper won't let me write about student elections, ethical campaigns. The university won't let (as of yesterday) us set up a Current Affairs society, as they feel it will "incite radical extremists to the university". If that isn't the most nonsensical stream of bile then...
Nevertheless, I have a feature idea you might like. It's World Television Day on Monday (21st), and despite being a UN effort to promote cultural exchange, no channels or networks are programming anything specifically for it, in both the UK and the states.
Are they failing to recognise TV as a possible power for good, or do they realise that television is actually becoming redundant as a form of mass 'binding' communication?
I am a bit far flung, in the smog of London, but I think all the cultural exchange we can get is only a bonus. I remain the disgruntled journo student.
-Emily Clarke
Dear Emily,
TV is bad. The Fed is good. And when relevant cultural exchange is defined by college humor rags, we are more than ready to assume our role as primary conduit for all things awesome. Also, your university sounds like a bunch of bloody wankers, or as we'd say here, retarded cockgobblers. How's that for cultural exchange?
Kisses,
Sam Jenning, EIC and Continental Playboy
Math is Lies and Pain
If your readers are planning to visit a casino, warn them first to send a blank email to ***. It'll send back a mathematical gambling system that works at home but not in the casinos. No lie. Is this evidence the casinos are cooked?Advertise for someone mathematical to test it.
- Julia Strawberry,
Dear Julia,
Math is hard! And only nerds know math! Tell us when we get to advertise for cute football players to take us to the movies, that'd be hotttt!
*Giggle*
-Sam.