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In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

Kimi Traube

Love me, do!

Recently, I have received a number of requests asking how to properly prepare a riot à la française. Many of my readers understand the good, old-fashioned American riot but have no idea where to begin with the French one. Do you burn the cars on the right side of the road or the left? My recipe for a Molotov cocktail is in gallons, how do I convert it into liters? What French expletive is customarily used? Worry no more, for I, Martha Stewart, will explain all.

The first step is to get into to the correct mindset. Here in the United States, the purpose of a riot is to consume copious amounts of alcohol and acquire the latest electronic equipment. This is not the case in France. There, where rioting is a highly political and symbolic act, it shows your disdain for the bourgeois system that feeds upon the blood and tear-stained labor of the proletariat. Burning cars symbolizes the destruction of the capitalistic pigs and the flames are the bright fires of revolution.

Once you are in the correct frame of mind, the next step is to pick out the car that you wish to burn. This is serious stuff; burning cars is a national pastime in the land of the Frogs. Cars with big gas tanks are best, like Hummers and SUVS, but unfortunately, these are a rare commodity in France. Luxury cars are the next best choice. This really hits home to the capitalist pigs; plus, they come chock-full of expensive gas.

Once you have selected the proper type of car, you must decide about placement. Location, location, location they say! American rioters might be tempted to pick cars on the left side of the road over the right side because of France’s rather affected need to drive on the wrong side of the street. This is, however, incorrect. You are rioting against the policies of a right wing government and to send the proper message, cars on the right side of the road should be picked over cars on the left. Finally you should make sure there are no people in the car you choose. French society considers it completely acceptable to burn up someone’s Ferrari but frowns upon killing someone’s newborn baby and sickly grandmother in the process.

Some people believe it is best to use a Molotov Cocktail to blow up the car (for my Molotov Cocktail recipe, see the article in last December’s issue of Martha Stewart Living entitled “How to Make Your Christmas Party a Real Blast”). This fancy concoction, however, though a classic, is not really the best way to go about blowing up your target. All you really need is a rag that has been marinated overnight in a tub of gasoline (feel free to add a little red dye for extra revolutionary flair). Then, take your festive wick of freedom and stick it into the tank of your target vehicle and light en flambé. Wait five seconds to make sure it catches, then run like hell. If all goes well you should see a brilliant explosion worthy of a little inside-your-head rendition of “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” or as they say in France, “Marrons rotissants sur une flamme ouverte.”

Tricks of the Trade: After one has satisfactorily witnessed the result of one's handiwork it is wise to leave. Police are everywhere and will likely arrest you for your revolutionary expression.