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In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

Yoni Bentov

Sarah Wanger

What follows is the actual text of a series of letters between the General Mills cereal company and a customer whose name has been changed.

To whom it may concern,
    With this letter, I have enclosed five General Mills cereal UPCs and a check in the amount of $5.75, for shipping and handling.  Please send my Shrek bobblehead doll to the return address on the envelope.  Thank you.
    Cheers,
    Peter Mason

 To Our Valued Customer,
    Thank you for your participation in our Shrek in the Box! promotional offer.  Unfortunately, the item you requested is unavailable at this time.  You will receive an alternate item within 2-4 weeks.
    Sincerely,
General Mills Customer Service

Dear General Mills Customer Service,
    Today I received in the mail, along with your letter, my alternate item.  I was disappointed that you ran out of Shrek bobblehead dolls, and the Puss-in-Boots yo-yo was certainly not what I expected to receive.  I have enclosed the yo-yo with this letter, and if you could refund my $5.75 shipping and handling fee, I will consider this matter closed.  Thank you.
    Best,
    Peter Mason

Dear Valued Customer,
    We are sorry that the item you received was defective.  We want to assure you that we have taken steps to prevent such errors from occurring again.  Please find enclosed a replacement for your item and an additional gift from General Mills.  Thank you for your patronage.
    Sincerely,
General Mills Customer Service

Customer Service,
    Maybe if a human read my letters, we could resolve this more quickly.  The Puss-in-Boots yo-yo was not defective.  I did not send for a Puss-in-Boots yo-yo.  I sent for a Shrek bobblehead doll.  Shrek the ogre is the subject of an inside joke between my girlfriend and I, and I had planned to make it a joke gift for her birthday.  Obviously, a Puss-in-Boots yo-yo would be a senseless birthday present.  That is why I returned it.
    Imagine my surprise, then, when I received a package containing both another Puss-in-Boots yo-yo and a Trix Rabbit night light.  I asked for neither of those things.  Please find them both enclosed.  Since I have returned everything you have sent me, please return my $5.75.
    Regards,
    Peter Mason

 Dear Mr. Mason,
    At General Mills, we strive to make sure that our customers are happy and satisfied with our products and services.  I apologize for the confusion about your prize claim for our Shrek in the Box! promotional offer.
    With this letter, I have sent to you the materials that were in your original mailing claiming the prize and a General Mills coupon.  Thank you for your understanding, and I hope this resolves your concern.
    Best,
    Tim Nelson,
    Customer Service Manager

Mr. Nelson,
    As far as I can tell, you sent me a letter, my five Franken Berry box tops, and a chance to get half off my next purchase of Fiber One.  I asked for none of those things.  The cost of the postage for my exchange of letters with you has already exceeded $5.75, so you may be happy to know that this is the last letter you'll get from me.  Keep my money and use it to fund your inane correspondence with future angry customers.
    My girlfriend and I don't plan on ever purchasing another General Mills product.  You have lost two loyal customers.  Over a bobblehead doll.
        -Peter Mason

Dear Mr. Mason,
    I am sorry to hear that you are dissatisfied with the service you have received from our department.  You seemed to have asked for the return of your mailing, and we did our best to accommodate your request.
    We at General Mills love to give people great reasons to buy our products, and I would like to keep you as a customer.  I would also like to let you know that for the next eight weeks, you may have your pick of four Shrek promotional items: a Shrek bobblehead doll, a Donkey water gun, a Puss-in-Boots yo-yo, or a Fiona bendable action figure.  Just send five General Mills UPCs and a letter indicating which item you would prefer.  We will forgive the shipping and handling fee.  Thank you.
    Regards,
    Tim Nelson,
    Customer Service Manager