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In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

Kimi Traube

Our sense of humor is too mature for you.

Look, I'm sure you're a smart person.  You're probably pretty attractive, too.  In fact, I wouldn't mind taking you home later.  Two things, though: I'm not going to cuddle with you, and if you try to be funny, the deal's over.  What's that?  Your friends said you're pretty funny?  They lied.  You got into your school's talent show doing stand-up?  Yeah, well, so did that band that played Creed covers.  You need to face the facts: you're not funny, so for your own good, don't make jokes.  If you're going to completely ignore my well-intentioned warnings, please, just do something inane.  Shove an entire microwave up your ass; make a Hitler moustache out of Nutella; sit on top of Carman and fake orgasm noises with an Australian accent.  But whatever you do, do NOT try to turn your anger at something you find "annoying" or "ridiculous" into humor.  And if you value your fucking life, do not tell me any of these jokes, or variations thereof:

    "What's the deal with the riots in France?  I'm surprised that the government hasn't surrendered already!"  Oh, wow, you're making fun of the French, the quintessentially easiest targets in the entire fucking world.  Do you enjoy kicking retarded children?  Do you challenge manual burn victims to thumb wars?  Look, I understand the desire to want to feel above someone.  But the fact is, you're not better than French people.  Half the people in France could kick your pansy ass if they wanted to, and the other half are mimes.  We've already thought all the dumb stuff you can come up with about the French riots, so keep your mouth shut.

    "What's the deal with warning labels on mattresses?" Well, the warning labels are meant for mattress salespeople so that - oh wait, you were trying to make a joke!  You card!  The sad thing is, though, I've already heard this one, and hey, wait, so has everybody else in the goddamn USA.  Here's an idea - people in other countries probably haven't heard it.  Specifically, third-world countries where they don't have mattresses.  Please, buy a one-way plane ticket to Haiti and spend the rest of your days explaining the hilarity of tags that say "DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG" to impoverished people.

    "What's the deal with Michael Jackson?  Isn't it weird how?" Stop right there.  Ask yourself if what you're about to say is not the most obvious thing in the entire fucking world.  Yes, yes it is.  And we've all heard the one about twenty two-year-olds.  I hope that when you're twenty-two, Michael Jackson gets confused and rapes you.

What's the deal with men and women?  Have you noticed how different they are?"  Never.

    "What's the deal with Starbucks shops?  There are SO many of them!"  As the CEO of Starbucks, I think this is a good thing.  Further, if you are dissatisfied with the service at or availability of Starbucks franchises in your area, please do not hesitate to contact our customer relations office.

    "What's the deal with George Bush?  Great try on the ‘nuclear' pronunciation, buddy - I'm sure you'll get it next time!"  I like how on this campus, anyone can make unfunny Republican jokes and people will laugh just to show their political allegiance.  Oh wait, I don't like that at all, and everyone here is retarded.  Go start a Facebook group if you really want to change the world.  The sad thing is that there is such thing as good political humor, it's just that most of it is lost on the dumbasses who will eat up anything if they agree with the viewpoint.  An example of a good political joke: Harriet Miers.

    "What's the deal with gun control?  What do you mean, guns don't kill people, people do?  Well, maybe so, but I sure think the gun helps!"  The acerbic wit of this joke has actually caused guns to be banned in 43 of the 50 states, and the other 7 just haven't heard it yet.

    "You know what my favorite planet is?  URANUS!"  I want to dismember anyone who has ever made a Uranus joke in their life.  And for Christ's sake, yes, we know it's a gas giant.