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In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

Helen Buyniski

Bad hair? Check. Pretension? Check. Horrible diseases? Check.

A report recently published by the World Health Organization has been met with widespread ambivalence.  The report details the possibility of a mutation in the soy-borne flu virus, TF51, making it readily transmissible to humans.  In the WHO scenario, people may contract the virus by eating infected soy products, causing epidemic levels of tofluenza.  The WHO report also mentions that most of the victims of the to-flu will not be missed.

    Chief WHO agricultural researcher Diane Kwan went on record as saying "the principle pathways for human infection with TF51, a.k.a ‘toflu', will be through tofu-based, vegan [alternative] foods.  My department has reached a consensus that large-scale human toflu infection should not be a major concern because those most likely to get to-flu are generally elitist assholes and hippies like (WHO analyst) Tom Hobrick."

    When asked for his comments on the possibility of a tofluenza outbreak, Hobrick responded "Oh man... we... really need to do something."  Hobrick then took a bong hit.

    The WHO has predicted that the United States could be hit especially hard by the disease, with potential losses of up to a million people, among them hippies, college students, yoga instructors, and middle-aged women who became Buddhists because their shallow, materialistic existence was heretofore unfulfilling.  At a recent White House press conference, President Bush was asked about his reaction to these findings.  His response:

    "People ask me if I'm concerned about Americans dying.  Of course I am.  But I ask you: are the people dying of toflu Americans?  No, y'see, America... America was founded on meat.  Our forefathers ate meat, and they made our nation strong.  They didn't eat tofurkey at Thanksgiving, they ate meat, and that's what makes you strong."  Bush then bench-pressed a steer and threw the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl, all while sporting an 11-inch erection.  When the applause and moans of arousal died down, the President concluded: "Tofu didn't do that, and tofu didn't make America."

    Our reporters tried to see if there was more concern for victims of to-flu within the vegetarian community.  Navarun Gupta, restaurateur, displayed absolutely no compassion for people who might become infected with to-flu.  "I opened my first restaurant thirty years ago-vegetarian food only, and that was enough for my customers.  But now some people think they can have it both ways. They use tofu to pretend they are eating meat.  I ask you, what is vegetarian about pretending to eat meat?  They are saying the vegetarian food I make is not good enough for them because it doesn't simulate meat products.  I am saying I hope they die in terrible, terrible pain."

    In spite of the apparent lack of concern for the lives of potential to-flu victims, some pharmaceutical companies have started working on drugs to treat to-flu.  We asked Patrick O'Donnell, spokesperson for pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline, how the company intends to respond to to-flu infections.  

    "Well, at first we didn't really want to waste the time or money trying to save the lives of a bunch of assholes.  Then we decided to develop a treatment and subsequently withhold it from consumers, just for shits and giggles.  We aren't so much a sadistic company by policy, but watching people die is one of the only things that gets our CEO hard these days."  The drug, brand name Die Fucking Vegans Die, is expected to hit markets never.

    Groups at high risk for to-flu infection have formed a coalition to demand protection and basic consideration as human beings.  However, the organization is expected to be short-lived, mainly because it is composed entirely of unlikable jerks.  One of the group's leaders, Chuck Metcalf, a yoga instructor from the Bay Area, said, "Our aim is to make our voices heard, because we are people too and- omigod, look at her shoes!  That poor thing!" Metcalf rushed over to Blanche Cook, 52, from Washington DC, and began a heated argument about feng shui, karma, chi, and who had better taste in their past life.  Reacting to the argument, Angel, a street team member from Williamsburg, mumbled that the coalition was "so over" before stalking out of the room.  He was promptly hit by a Toyota Prius, driven by Hannah Weinberg, a junior at Vassar, who was arriving late after finishing a quick meal of General Tso's Tofu.

    Public safety officials, in a half-assed effort to manifest concern about human to-flu, have released a pamphlet aimed at high-risk groups.  The pamphlet contains suggestions on how to minimize the risk of infection, such as "quit eating that tasteless, lumpy, grey shit", "bacon is delicious", and "put that bong down, you aren't fighting anyone's revolution, fucktard."  The question of whether or not these pamphlets will be effective at reducing infections remains shrouded in doubt and apathy, as most vegans are too stuck up to read.  Or illiterate.  Whatever.