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In This Issue

• Positively Sino-Soidal
• AIDS, SARS, Avian Flu... Bean Curd?
• A Paradoxical Paroxysm of Pancakes
• Letters to the Editor
• International Yuks
• Après Moi, Le Corbusier
• Get a Free Bobblehead, for a Limited Time Only!
• The Sweet, Sensual Twang of Success
• Shut Up, Shut Up.
• To Sachs With Love
• Santa's Grottos Steal X-Mas
• Broad Goes Abroad to Paris
• A Lesson on Father Christmas
• Hugo Chavez in 2008: He’ll Crush Us Like Grapes!
• Martha’s Civil Unrest Tips
• Politics: Opiate of the Asses
• A Plan to Unite Humanity Without Using Glue
• Mad Cow: All the Cool Kids Are Contracting It
• Things Around the World on Which to Pee
• Trapped in the Closet (Deleted Scene)
• Mario Around the World!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.4

Helen Buyniski

French humor is quite sophisticated.

Stephanie Quan

"How 'bout them Soviets, huh? Am I right?"

n an effort to remove your bigoted ethnocentric view of the world, the Fed is trying to get you to branch out and enjoy aspects of other cultures.  I telephoned the world leaders of 5 different countries in an effort to get them to tell me the best joke their country knows.  Then, using my knowledge of the language in which they told me the joke, I translated their jokes into English for your pleasure.  I speak 200 languages fluently, so this was no problem for me.

    My first call was to Vladimir Putin.  We were chatting away, then I asked him to tell me a joke.  Here it is, in English:Vlad: How many men does it take to drink a bottle of vodka?
Me: How many?
Vlad: The amount in the bottle divided by the amount one person drinks!

    I have since been informed by other Russians that this joke is a scathing criticism of capitalism, but I sure as hell don't get it.

    Moving on, I telephoned Jacques Chirac.  Here was the joke he told me.

Jacques: What's the difference between fine wine and fine cheese?
Me: What?
Jacques: You don't know?  What the hell is wrong with you, you uncultured American pig!  Do you often try to drink cheese?

    This one may have been affected by the fact that I didn't know the French word for "joke" and tried to convey to Jacques what exactly I wanted.  I have since been informed that the French have no word for "joke."

    Next up was the honorable Vicente Fox, president of Mexico.

Foxy Mama: Why don't football players in America ever win?
Me: Why?
Foxy Mama: Because they can drink the water and don't know what football is!

I think a lot of this one might have gotten lost in the translation.  Next was Japan, which is actually ruled by a computer.Computer: WOUDLNC OD YOU LIKE ROT TAKE THIS SURVEY @ WIN $300?
Me: What?
Computer: kekekekeke ^_^

    Yeah, that's what it said.  Over the phone.  I don't know how either.  About at this point, I was beginning to realize that probably no country except America knew anything about being funny, but I decided to give it one last try and give the president of South Africa, Mbquedi Mbandi, a call.  Oh shut up, you don't know who the president of South Africa is either.  Here is the joke Mbcondi told me:

Mbyrchi: Did you know that by 2010 the amount of children orphaned by AIDS will be equal to the amount of people in US public schools?
Me: Yeah, actually I read that on some poster that somebody plastered everywhere on my college campus.
Mbeki: Oh.
Me: It's really not funny, either.
Mbonkers: I thought it was.
Me:  It's not a joke!  It's true, isn't it?
oogie: It might be, I don't know.
Me: M-Bomb, this is not a good way for me to end this article.
Mboydick: Too bad!  Haha!