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In This Issue

• DeLovely? DeLorean.
• What Would Future You Do?
• What Are Your Plans For That Junk?
• Letters to the Editors
• The Adventures of Young Boy and Park Girl in 4-D
• Hipsters Remember Awkward Tweens at Brooklyn Bar
• You Can Call Me Ishmael Anytime
• Oh, Take Me Over Awkwardly
• People Know Me. Cool People.
• Not Even Time Thwarts Yo Mama
• I Plan To Own The Future
• How to Write Love Poems for Girls Who Can Read
• Lies My Robots Told Me
• My Ears Are Bleeding! Wait, That's Just My Vagina.
• Veritas Forum Takes Stand Against Death
• Too Jewish to Play Ska?
• Damned Interface Technology!
• The Church of Timeology
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.5

Kimi Traube

Zombie Lincoln: Taste my writ of Habeus Corpse-us!

Top five most awkward things to take over Earth in the future:

5.  Llamas.  Think about it.  They’re so furry--no one would see it coming.  And then you’d have to be all, “yes, my llama overlords,” and they would STILL be furry, even when they beat you with chains and made you build pyramids out of alfalfa and weave blankets out of hair.

4. Abraham Lincoln.  Because when Abraham Lincoln’s zombie ass rises out of the ground to take over the world, you better bet it won’t be pretty.  He’ll be all “Four-score and AAAARRRGHHHH, BRAINS!”  Or you’ll be watching TV in your living room one day, and Zombie-Lincoln will just burst right through the wall, and start waving his arms and shouting like your demented Uncle Ned, and then  he’s just dripping zombie-juice and top hats all over the new rug , but you don’t wanna offend him cuz he’s president and all, and seriously? That’s just awkward.

3. Mustaches.  No, seriously, picture it.  A race of flying mutant space mustaches descends to earth and quickly begins colonizing mankind, leaping onto people’s faces like the bunny in Monty Python.  And then what do you do? I mean it’s clear you’ve been mustachioed.  All your friends will know.  They’re all gonna laugh at you. But don’t worry, they’ll all get their soup-straining, girlfriend’s-cunt-irritating comeuppance soon…nobody will be safe from the widespread, well-coordinated ‘stache attacks! And at first you THINK it’s just bad personal style, but soon it becomes apparent that when the mustsaches leap onto your face they send hair-roots DEEP INTO YOUR BRAIN, and then you become their mustache slave and go around saying things like, “Jolly good,” and “The South will live again!”  Look, you don’t believe me now, but when we’re all mustachio-robots and you’ve got facial hair attached to YOUR brain, it’ll be seven shades of awkward, you better believe it.

2. Lazy-eyed overlords.  Because you could NEVER point it out to them, and you KNOW you’ll just keep staring, and they’ll be like, “What?! What are you looking at?! Is there something FUNNY?” and you’d have to be like, “What are YOU looking at? I mean, No, Eye-verlord…I mean Overlord,” and then let me tell you, the shit would hit the fan.

1. An Army of Future-Us’s.  Because, really, can you complain about being enslaved by yourself? It’s just far too existential—and as Rousseau will tell you, you can’t possibly disagree with yourself. And if Future-You pokes out your eye with a chopstick and tells you your people will always be slaves, goddamnit that’s so awkward it doesn’t even make sense. So it makes even less sense when Future-You corners you in the men’s room one day, and starts talking about how pretty your hair is,  and then WHAM! You’re being raped by yourself and you don’t even know if that’s POSSIBLE!  And who’s gonna prosecute you?  You can’t put YOURSELF in jail, cuz then you know that in the future you’re in jail, and how much does that suck??  Seriously.  And then Future-You is like, aw, c’mon baby, it’ll be allright, now don’t you go telling anyone, this is just between me and me.  And that?  Awkward.