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In This Issue

• DeLovely? DeLorean.
• What Would Future You Do?
• What Are Your Plans For That Junk?
• Letters to the Editors
• The Adventures of Young Boy and Park Girl in 4-D
• Hipsters Remember Awkward Tweens at Brooklyn Bar
• You Can Call Me Ishmael Anytime
• Oh, Take Me Over Awkwardly
• People Know Me. Cool People.
• Not Even Time Thwarts Yo Mama
• I Plan To Own The Future
• How to Write Love Poems for Girls Who Can Read
• Lies My Robots Told Me
• My Ears Are Bleeding! Wait, That's Just My Vagina.
• Veritas Forum Takes Stand Against Death
• Too Jewish to Play Ska?
• Damned Interface Technology!
• The Church of Timeology
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.5

Russell Spitzer

Russell Spitzer

Left: Mr. QA (cool, sunglasses). R: Arnold Park (so high).

You probably know me. I wear my shades when it’s bright out, they shade my eyes. I wear them when it’s cold out, they keep my eyes warm. I wear them when it’s raining out, they keep my eyes dry. I wear them when the sun has set, cuz then I just look like a fucking badass.

    Or you may have seen me one day, walking near Alma Mater with a shaved head yelling at some poor guy “Oh you make me sicker than my chemotherapy. You can kiss the most cancerous part of my ass.”

    But lately, you’re most likely to have seen me walking around campus with my iPod headphones on. Well I’m listening to music so fucking amazing your head would explode if you could even begin to hear it. So when I pull out one of the earphones, be honored, and make damn sure you stop to talk to me. I mean, come on, I’m so awesome that I donated to Chuck Norris the gift of beard (which is why I never have one). He then gave this gift to Jesus, which angered me. I then made Jesus get crucified for Chuck Norris’ sins and made Chuck Norris roundkick himself in the face for all of man’s sins. Jesus was regarded as the one who got off easy. So if I’m that awesome you can imagine how great my music must be.

    If I don’t take a headphone out when I see you, don’t be offended. I’m just not expecting the conversation to include anything better than the auditory equivalent of snorting a line of coke off a stripper’s ass while she fellates me and I club a sack full of puppies.

    My music is so awesome that in November the president voted for it. My music kicks so much ass that it does not get used in soundtracks, instead entire movies are created and packed with explosions, drugs, small furry animals, and boobies to expose the maximum number of people to the awesome tunes. My music is so ridiculously good that I went to Nobu without reservations and got a table next to Mark Wahlberg. Alright, that didn’t really have anything to do with my music but I love bragging about that.

    So here’s a general guide of how to take my headphone placement when I see you.

Both headphones in:

This normally means that the music is especially good. Or that I just don’t give a fuck about whatever stupid shit I’m expecting you to say. Dumbass.

One headphone in:

This means that the music is good as always, but that I do want to hear whatever you have to say. Or maybe I have something important to say to you and I want to know what your reaction is. And you better stop and talk with me if I’m doing this, this is a huge honor, this is like Mr. T taking off his necklaces so he can pity you even faster.

One headphone in and offering you the other one:

This means I want our conversation to have a soundtrack. AND CHUCK HELP YOU IF YOU REFUSE THE HEADPHONE YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD.

Both headphones out:

This is a rarity. Either my iPod just died and I can’t listen to any music, or I have something very, very important to say to you and it requires my full attention. That or you have breasts.