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In This Issue

• DeLovely? DeLorean.
• What Would Future You Do?
• What Are Your Plans For That Junk?
• Letters to the Editors
• The Adventures of Young Boy and Park Girl in 4-D
• Hipsters Remember Awkward Tweens at Brooklyn Bar
• You Can Call Me Ishmael Anytime
• Oh, Take Me Over Awkwardly
• People Know Me. Cool People.
• Not Even Time Thwarts Yo Mama
• I Plan To Own The Future
• How to Write Love Poems for Girls Who Can Read
• Lies My Robots Told Me
• My Ears Are Bleeding! Wait, That's Just My Vagina.
• Veritas Forum Takes Stand Against Death
• Too Jewish to Play Ska?
• Damned Interface Technology!
• The Church of Timeology
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.5

Kimi Traube

As some of you may know, I was recently booted from my now broken-up band, “the f-holes.” Despite the fact that I wrote awesome songs, cooperated cooperatively, and jiggled just right while jumping up and down, the band came to an abrupt halt a little over two weeks ago. “But why,” you ask, “when you guys could have made millions of dollars and toured Europe screwing Euro-sluts together?!” I’m sure the Euro-sluts are asking the same exact thing. Sadly, what it all comes down to, my dear loyal fans, is politics.

What type of politics? It’s simple: the government hates me for being a sushi-eating, vagina-having, baby-killing, dreidel-spinning, New-York-City-living-in Jew. Case in point: I’ve been known to be involved in a little modeling of the naked persuasion. While it is by no means hardcore porn, the website for which I currently model has been menaced by a certain Attorney General for having images that are “lascivious” and showing “yucky boobies,” “really softcore S+M,” and even the dreaded “vuh-jay-jay.” Out of all the sites this could have happened to, is it a coincidence they chose mine? While it is clear to me that the Attorney General is less sexually mature than Dakota Fanning, I find it hard to believe that, in the eyes of the law, this site is more worthy of persecution than double penetration anal midget porn (not that I have anything against double-penetration midget porn like certain Jew-hating fascists I know, cough cough Alberto Gonzalez).

But what does all this have to do with my band? Well, one of my former band-mates is a schoolteacher and feared he could lose his job, were his band associated with such a website. The feds have fucked me and my art, then turned me and my art over and fucked us again, this time in the ass. They’ve done this by purposefully promoting a practice of public intolerance, and of secret shameful masturbation as far as the nekkid ladies from my website are concerned. Unfair as it is, I am afraid my band-mate was right and had no choice but to terminate his associations with such a site, no matter how many sweet free promotion deals they were going to give us. (Do you hear that? Please come back.)

I was somewhat dismayed at the breakup of my favorite band, but I did not despair. I looked on craigslist.com—where you can find anything from blowjobs to babies—and found a band that sounded like they suited my style. That band was the Haunted Pussy, and they stood for everything I like about rock music: screaming, metal, cool outfits, and ghost-rape. I shot them a response and they seemed to like me. We made an appointment to meet up this week, but that was before Gonzalez alerted Bloomberg that I, persistent little Jewess that I am, was close to being in a band again.

With this information in hand, Bloomberg gave the order and had his goons in the NYPD promptly arrest the venerable guitarist of the Haunted Pussy. His crime, according to an email he sent me, was nothing more than “telling the truth.” You see, in addition to having some sick guitar chops, Chris Brodeur (a.k.a. “Mr. Brooke Shields”) is a journalist, and he takes his job seriously. So seriously in fact, that he has made a mission of exposing the corruption of Bloomie, DA Richard Morgenthau, the NY Press, and even his own landlord. Remarkably, he’s been arrested on charges of aggravated harassment after “checking his facts too much,” for a reporter whose beat was city hall (Whoops! Checking your facts is so illegal. He should take a tip from The Fed and stop that nonsense). While it is clear that the government had a beef with Mr. Shields before I became involved with his band, I believe that my almost having a band was the straw that broke the camel’s back and made them decide they mustn’t let him remain free any longer. Further corroboration is found in an email I received on the subject from Chris himself:

The govt (run by Rich Businessmen) and its Big Business wing has stolen a zillion times more of your money than Hitler stole from the Jews! Today's American Media is 5000% more corrupt than Hitler and Stalin's wet dreams! I am going to smash this government and give them some beautiful black eyes!

(WHOOPS! Should I e-x-p-l-a-i-n how that was a M-E-T-A-P-H-O-R to Super-Retard Morgenthau?)

I bet not one "supporter" of Bloomberg, the DA, or the NYPD will bet against me winning, which proves they're fake. We are IN the Fourth Reich people, with Big Brother, Big Business, and Big Government raping ALL of us and destroying the whole world and all our freedoms and you all just sit there in silence! No wonder I've wanted to die and leave this evil world since I was ten years old. With proof such as this, need I say more? The Anti-Semitic and Fascist New York government wants to stifle my creativity, thus depriving me of catharsis and driving me insane. I can only conclude that this is part of a large scale band-deprivation scheme designed to render impotent and institutionalized all Jewish, radical, naked, or otherwise undesirable citize