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In This Issue
- DeLovely? DeLorean.
- What Would Future You Do?
- What Are Your Plans For That Junk?
- Letters to the Editors
- The Adventures of Young Boy and Park Girl in 4-D
- Hipsters Remember Awkward Tweens at Brooklyn Bar
- You Can Call Me Ishmael Anytime
- Oh, Take Me Over Awkwardly
- People Know Me. Cool People.
- Not Even Time Thwarts Yo Mama
- I Plan To Own The Future
- How to Write Love Poems for Girls Who Can Read
- Lies My Robots Told Me
- My Ears Are Bleeding! Wait, That's Just My Vagina.
- Veritas Forum Takes Stand Against Death
- Too Jewish to Play Ska?
- Damned Interface Technology!
- The Church of Timeology
- THEY WATCH
- The Staff of 21.5
I Plan To Own The Future
A practical post-graduation plan for undirected youth.
Russell Spitzer
Most people, if given the ability to travel through time would be lost with the infinite possibilities now open to them. But I myself wouldn’t be concerned with these trivial matters. I personally feel that the only appropriate use of time travel is the complete and utter subjugation of all life on the face of the earth. This might seem like an impossibility even with time travel as, after all, I am quite lazy. But this is actually a very simple plan. The first step is the destruction of all other time machines. A few well placed time travels later and the inventors of the time machine will never be born, plus I can get some original formula Coke while I’m at it. This will leave me with the only working time travel machine in existence and my thirst refreshingly quenched. The only side effect will be a rather large continuity error that I would fix in post-production. Then, onto my subtle, yet brilliant, conquering of the entire human race. First I’ll insert my name and image in the common mythology and lore of the human race. For example the preamble will guarantee the rights to “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Russ.”
Then to further ingrain myself in the mind of man, I will return to prehistoric times with electricity and guns. Amazed by my “boomsticks” and “magic spark juice,” the native people will succumb to my will and worship me as a god. This will be short-lived because who wants to be the God of people who can’t even quote Family Guy? So I’ll leave my mud-dwelling subjects for the present, so I can get myself some air conditioning and servants who understand the subtle difference between filet mignon and something Grog killed with a stick.
Back in the present I will be welcomed as a returning God by most. Of course, there will be foolish atheists bent on ignoring my luminous existence. To deal with, I will enact my campaign of strength and compassion. It will be a campaign of strength, because I shall crush my enemies and feed their remains to their children in order to quash the threat of rebellion and dissent. Compassion refers to my willingness to slaughter my dissenters in an environmentally friendly fashion, such as letting my enemies get mauled by bears.
I call my plan zombienomics. It’s like Reaganomics except with real voodoo and less trickle down effect. I will travel back in time to the to period in which the soulless ghouls known as zombies ruled the earth and conscript them into an un-dead army capable of destroying the world many times over. Don’t be frightened though, because I know the zombie’s one true weakness: Steakum’s (a delicious and kosher treat!). Once the zombie army is secured, I will travel to the future and use my overwhelming numbers steal their scientists, in order to invent new technology. I, will of course guide all future development to assure no more time machines and at least one combination spoon-knife. With a monopoly on advanced technology and an army of abominations of nature I think I’ll be set for at least a couple decades.
Of course if anything does go wrong and I’m caught as a fraud I can always go back to the time before clothing with a nice camera. So assuming all of this time traveling does not cause the rupture of the very fabric of space-time I will see all of you, my future disciples or bear fodder, in the future. May Russ be with you.