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In This Issue

• DeLovely? DeLorean.
• What Would Future You Do?
• What Are Your Plans For That Junk?
• Letters to the Editors
• The Adventures of Young Boy and Park Girl in 4-D
• Hipsters Remember Awkward Tweens at Brooklyn Bar
• You Can Call Me Ishmael Anytime
• Oh, Take Me Over Awkwardly
• People Know Me. Cool People.
• Not Even Time Thwarts Yo Mama
• I Plan To Own The Future
• How to Write Love Poems for Girls Who Can Read
• Lies My Robots Told Me
• My Ears Are Bleeding! Wait, That's Just My Vagina.
• Veritas Forum Takes Stand Against Death
• Too Jewish to Play Ska?
• Damned Interface Technology!
• The Church of Timeology
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.5

Andres Vedova

As you may or may not know, a 20-foot Northern Bottlenose Whale was spotted swimming up the Thames into the heart of London. First spotted by a commuter on Thursday the 19th, the whale became an instant object of interest, with hundreds of Brits lining the entirety of the Thames River from Canary Warf to Big Ben to catch a glimpse. The whale however, was sick and bleeding and ultimately died as rescuers placed it into a modified tugboat to drag it back into the ocean. Now fingers are wildly being pointed at everyone involved, from the marine biologists who tried to save the whale to Ken Livingstone, the mayor of London, who apparently did not act fast enough. These accusations are all clearly wrong as we all know who is really responsible for this atrocity of Big Willie proportions: Kate Moss.

Kate Moss, the über-model-coke-addict-socialite-sexpot, has been glorifying her ultra-hedonistic, possibly treasonous lifestyle for years. Just this year, Kate was caught doing cocaine at a London recording studio allegedly off of a Rembrandt painting depicting the crucifixion. Jesus died for your sins, Kate! But does Kate go to jail? No. Is she shunned from the limelight? Of course not. Does she look like the most fashionable recently-freed gulag prisoner ever? You know it.

Celebrity magazines revel in their coverage of Ms. Moss’ exploits. It’s no wonder that a naïve, small town whale who reads Star and OK! magazines would want to come to London. So that whale swam up the Thames with visions of fast cars, rock stars and Donatella Versace dancing in her head. The whale quickly fell into London’s notorious party scene, standing out in people’s minds because unlike most other London socialites, she was 20 feet long, weighed roughly 5 tons and had a blowhole. She quickly became famous for, what the British tabloids dubbed, her “blow”hole. This whale had a hole in her head the size of a coffee-mug and she could easily snort $1000 of cocaine every night, putting even jaded, coke-addled NYU freshmen to shame. She would even let certain British rock stars use that hole for lascivious, disgusting acts. Her blowhole became a who’s who of trendy British male celebrities, having more people inside of her on your average day than the Tate Modern. It was like she had Mariah Carey’s vagina on top of her head.

Last month you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing that whale; one night she would be at Nobu partying it up with Kate Moss and the next night you’d see her in SoHo, wedged in a booth between Ms. Moss and Lindsay Lohan drinking Hypnotiq and eating buckets of krill and sardines. I heard she even made a sex tape with Rick Solomon called “One Night in a 20 foot long, 5 ton Northern Bottlenose Whale”, later retitled “Sperman Melville’s ‘Moby’s Dick’”. Suddenly having a large marine mammal best friend became all the rage on both sides of the Atlantic. Ashton Kutcher has recently been seen hanging out with his new buddy, a 7-foot long bull Sea Lion, and it is rumored that Nicole Richie dumped D.J. AM (Adam Goldstein) for a narwhal named Jaden. Early reports also suggested that Al Reynolds was also seen out and about in New York with a 65-foot long, 40-ton sperm whale. Later reports confirmed that the sperm whale was actually just his wife Star Jones-Reynolds.

The party ended the night of the 18th, when, after doing line after line of coke, Ms. Moss and the whale decided to take a swim in the Thames. The Thames, however, being a shallow, fresh water river quickly overtook the whale and she ended up beaching herself. Ms. Moss, leaving the whale for dead, quickly left the scene. Most disturbingly, Kate has been seen all over London over the past few weeks with the California fur seal who starred in the 1996 movie Andre, grooming yet another protégé to exploit and kill.