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In This Issue
- DeLovely? DeLorean.
- What Would Future You Do?
- What Are Your Plans For That Junk?
- Letters to the Editors
- The Adventures of Young Boy and Park Girl in 4-D
- Hipsters Remember Awkward Tweens at Brooklyn Bar
- You Can Call Me Ishmael Anytime
- Oh, Take Me Over Awkwardly
- People Know Me. Cool People.
- Not Even Time Thwarts Yo Mama
- I Plan To Own The Future
- How to Write Love Poems for Girls Who Can Read
- Lies My Robots Told Me
- My Ears Are Bleeding! Wait, That's Just My Vagina.
- Veritas Forum Takes Stand Against Death
- Too Jewish to Play Ska?
- Damned Interface Technology!
- The Church of Timeology
- THEY WATCH
- The Staff of 21.5
THEY WATCH
This week in THEY WATCH, the conglomerated federation of filth-ridden, frenetic hyper-marketers has taken to calling SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY "V-Day." Last we checked, V-Day occured in 1945 when we up and bitch-slapped some major theatres of war. We see no theatres of war being bitch-slapped in the current situation. They have three options: 1) Conquer some theatres of war, 2) Rename their filthy corporate holiday, or 3) continue to read THEY WATCH in terror.
1. You know what we would do if we would travel through time? Cure diseases, solve world hunger, avoid that nasty case of the clap. The children in the major motion picture "Clockstoppers" did none of those things. Instead, they had heady and PG-friendly adventures in a humorous fashion. Fart jokes were told. While we have no problems with banal anal humor, the line must be drawn. Are you going to save the world or what, bitches? Fun-Loving, Time-travelling Tykes = THEY!
2. You see that freshman in that blue T-shirt with that "vintage" font that says "JEFFREY SACHS IS MY HOMEBOY?" Tell him this. Jeffrey Sachs is NOT YOUR HOMEBOY. He will EAT YOU for BREAKFAST. Not even as a complete meal. To Dr. Sachs, you are merely PART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST. So get over it. Star-struck Undergraduates Engaged in Professorial Cock-Gobbling = THEY!
3. THE ROLLING STONES = THEY! They certainly can't play music anymore. At this point, being THEY might be the best that they can hope for.