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In This Issue

• DeLovely? DeLorean.
• What Would Future You Do?
• What Are Your Plans For That Junk?
• Letters to the Editors
• The Adventures of Young Boy and Park Girl in 4-D
• Hipsters Remember Awkward Tweens at Brooklyn Bar
• You Can Call Me Ishmael Anytime
• Oh, Take Me Over Awkwardly
• People Know Me. Cool People.
• Not Even Time Thwarts Yo Mama
• I Plan To Own The Future
• How to Write Love Poems for Girls Who Can Read
• Lies My Robots Told Me
• My Ears Are Bleeding! Wait, That's Just My Vagina.
• Veritas Forum Takes Stand Against Death
• Too Jewish to Play Ska?
• Damned Interface Technology!
• The Church of Timeology
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 21.5

Last night, I embarked upon what I thought would be the social experiment to end all social experiments. Step One: don the So-Goth-It-Hurts™ attire I used to wear in high school. It appeared out of nowhere at the bottom of the suitcase I brought back from spring break; I can only assume it missed me (stupid attire, thinks it’s all Goth but hates loneliness and death…poser).

Step Two: locate and infiltrate a Bible study group to see if they can help me with “my problems”. I had all sorts of Gothalicious problems cooked up: my parents’ flagrant child abuse (getting a divorce, drinking too much, taking away my NIN CD’s so they would seem hip while they fucked my friends) had caused me to become a chronic masturbator, fornicator, over-eater, under-eater, cannibal-eater, whippet-sniffer, abortion-haver, and zit popper. It also caused me to refer to myself as “Mistress Sanctoria”, or “Chanterelle” for short.

Imagine my chagrin at going to the Dodge room in Earl Hall for the weekly Chinese Bible study session and finding it empty! WTF? I’d even brushed up on my Korean so as to blend in and keep them from suspecting anything (Chinese is hard). Undaunted, I klepto’d a few pamphlets and found that not only does Jesus cry each time I touch myself, but there was a special “small group” just for freshmen meeting in Wallach that night. They know Jesus wants you to save your virginity cuz he only likes tight young hymens. Sweet!

My fears of losing it (my stage name, not my virginity) were all in vain: there was no one there either. What the fuck? Is it against the laws of Christ to update a website once in awhile? Then a small blue postcard caught my eye. I read the words on it: Veritas Forum: Responding to Suffering. Well shit on my face, all the Christians were at the freaking Veritas Forum. Way to make me walk a lot in the cold, Veritas Forum. Yeah Jefferey Sachs, I’m talking to you, with your secular-charity-impersonating, malaria-curing, Angelina-Jolie-ogling ways. Yeah, I went there. My Hot Topic sweater didn’t even keep out the wind, and my Hot Topic boots were really starting to chafe me. Who’s responding to suffering now, Jeffrey Sachs? FUCKING NOBODY. I could have offed myself then and there and no Chinese Christians would’ve been there to save me with Jesus. Think about THAT, Jeffrey Sachs.

Step Three: initiate stalker mode and find out where my godly deserters were. Roone Arlidge was full of Chinese Christians listening to Jeffrey Sachs and not helping me with my problems at all. And the pictures of starving African children were so not funny. In fact, they made me feel sort of crappy inside. Way to make it worse, Jeffrey Sachs. I mean, at least I didn’t die of hookworm before my ninth birthday. Now that is a problem. I even began to feel sort of jealous of these kids who were way younger than me, but had way worse problems. The Christians got me, though; if they had passed around a collection plate, I totally would have given it all. Even the quarters, which I usually saved for laundry. For each quarter I gave, I would cure malaria! That’s almost like being Jesus.

J-Sachs started talking about starvation and disease. That wasn’t funny, either. That got me thinking about other things that weren’t funny, like AIDS. AIDS has killed 30 million people in seven Sub-Saharan African nations. That is so not funny. I wondered, when was he going to talk about AIDS?

“Malaria kills lots of people and is easy to prevent. Hookworm is easy to prevent. Sleeping sickness is easy to prevent.” But AIDS is the leading cause of death in those nations and is also easy to prevent! All you need is a…

Condom. That’s it. Christians hate condoms. Condoms ENCOURAGE people to have sex. People DEFINITELY wouldn’t have sex if you didn’t give them condoms. I stayed until the end just to be sure, but the only time AIDS got mentioned was in passing:

“The hospitals are so crowded…imagine having to sleep head-to-toe with someone who has tuberculosis…or AIDS.”

…That’s it? That’s all the lip service this terrible disease gets? The false implication that you can get it by sharing a bed with someone? That’s really not funny. Don’t get me wrong, all those other diseases are bad too, but AIDS has devastated entire nations. It’s just as “easy to prevent” as any disease he was talking about, but Christians hate condoms. Personally, I happen to think they’re a pretty good alternative to AIDS. Maybe I don’t want to be a Christian after all.