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I'll Quantum Your Leap
Issue 21.5: Time Travel
Posted: February 2006

How to Write Love Poems for Girls Who Can Read

Ryan Havley

Kimi Traube
Rule number one: Never let genitalia to slip into your poetry.
Russell Spitzer
Don't dedicate a stalker website to your beloved. Even the Prince of Darkness thinks that's creepy.

So you’re in love. You have nearly consummated things and you feel it’s finally time to tell her exactly how you feel.  You could use the jumbo-tron at a local sporting event, hire a skywriter, or pay a homeless man three dollars to come to your house and dance around singing a song you wrote for her.  Unlike your father, though, you want to be classy.  You want to say it in a poem.  But how should you begin?

    Well, it isn’t as easy to impress a woman with a love poem as it used to be.  Only a few hundred years ago you could’ve simply shown her a page full of doodles you drew at work, told her it was a poem, and then made something up as you went along.  Unfortunately, however, someone went and taught women how to read.  You can still cheat, but you must be clever.  Piece together lines from poems you know she hasn’t read in a sensible order; she’ll never know.  And if you screw it up and end up with, “This is just to say I have eaten the plums, but I hung on like death and let the fish go, I may be a bit of a Jew,” don’t worry, she’ll never know the difference.  Just tell her that’s what poems are supposed to sound like.

    Another concern might stem from what your friends will say if they ever find out.  Men have a saying they like to use when referring to another man’s willingness to please his lady, but it includes a vulgar and inappropriate word, and there are ladies present, so it will not be used in this essay.  Instead, we will coin a new term: Vaginally Restrained.  So, if your friends accuse you of being vaginally restrained, just tell them you only did it to get some–oops, I almost said pussy.

    Back to the poem.  Try opening with something about how wonderful the physical bond you’ve formed truly is, but do it without directly mentioning your genitalia.  If genitalia does somehow slip into the poem, be tasteful.  Avoid using words like longwanger, jimmy, schlong, peter, rod, sausage, girth-burger, dolomite, pecker, woody, Russell the Love Muscle, prick, or “Li’l W.” Referring to your testicles as Hannity and Colmes is perfectly fine.

    Try some metaphoric imagery, but avoid using clichés.  Tell her she smells like something from your childhood—a Nagshead palm after a storm, for instance, or the altar in your Uncle Chester’s basement.  Just remember to be nice.  

    Remember, too, that if you’re a Republican this will be a much harder task.  Nobody has ever wooed a woman by writing, “Dear Francine, the bible defines love as the union between a man and a woman, now if you’ll excuse me a new species of bird has been discovered in Montana and a few of us from work are driving up in our SUVs to see if we can run it over.”  If you’re writing to a Republican your task will be even harder.  What kind of nice things can be said about a person who wasn’t born but rather oozed through a crack in the floor of some cave?

    Most importantly, be yourself, unless you’re an asshole, and only write it when you’re in a good mood.  Many a relationship has failed because of, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I worked all day to provide for this family and you can’t even wipe off a fucking countertop?”

    Be romantic, be honest, and be confident.  And if you follow these easy rules you’ll be writing beautiful love poems in no time.  After that, it’s only a matter of time before she gives up the, oh, sorry, I almost said pussy again.