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In This Issue

• The Mighty Hunter
• The Orphan: Victim or Commodity?
• Sex and the City, Victorian Style
• Choose Your Own Victorian Adventure!
• Letters to the Feditors
• Lay A (Caucasian) Burden Down
• Missives From My Mother
• A Cautionary Invective On Throttling One's Own Fowl
• Change Comes To Constants
• London's Burning!
• "Green Sickness": For That Vintage Venereal Burn
• Dear Fundamentalists: Get Down And Get With It
• Fed Sudoku Challenge!
• Connect-the-Dots
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.6

Ria Mar-Fan

Kimi Traube

I Can't Believe It's Not Circumcised!

I was but a nubile, barely-legal seventeen-year-old when I was orphaned and sent to live with a rich family in the town of Wessextonchestershire.  Such was the way of my tiny generic village in northern England where everyone is poor but noble and they address everyone as "luv."  I arrived in Wessextonchestershire by carriage and was directed to the Wellstonechalmondley estate by an ancient farmhand who carried a pitchfork.

"Ah, ye want to see Lord Wellstonechalmondley, do ye, child?" he asked, though I had already told him that several times while he pretended not to listen to me.  I noticed that he was looking at my womanly curves, though I was just a girl of thirteen.  He told me to follow the dirt road, which would lead me past the stables and to the ancestral Wellstonechalmondley home.  I thanked him and bade him goodbye; I noticed him staring at the way my hips swayed and salivating a little as I walked.  However, I could not detect any unseemly feelings towards me, as I was but an innocent thirteen-year-old country virgin and knew nothing of such things.

I finally made my way to the mansion and was shown into a sitting room to be personally interviewed by the young and dashing lord of the estate.  Seeing Lord Wellstonechalmondley made my heart beat rapidly in my extremely ample bosom.  He was tall and broad, with large bulging pectoral muscles that were visible through his oddly unbuttoned shirt.  His long, blond hair was blown around by some unknown wind source, and he held a riding crop in one strong hand, though I later learned that he rarely left the estate and did not know what a horse was.  As soon as I saw him, I knew that I was forever infatuated with my lord, my employer, even though he was an overly muscled brute who apparently spent most of his time trying to sleep with any female who came within twelve miles of his land.  He told me that I was to be a serving maid for him, and that I was to bring him tea, bread, and butter as my first task.  When I brought him his food and drink, he chose to spread the butter on his exposed chest, which now glistened with an oily sheen.  He began to rub his crotch and beckoned towards me; however, I did not know why he was doing this, as I was just a simple girl from a poor village in England who had never even been brushed against by a man and knew nothing of the peculiar ways of the aristocracy.  I smiled at Lord Wellstonechalmondley; perhaps his behavior was a way of thanking me.  He soon sat down and dismissed me, and I retired to my new chamber to pore over my encounter with him and create elaborate fantasies in which we were married and I somehow bore scores of his children without actually having to physically touch him, for that sort of thing is vulgar and distasteful.

O, reader, do not chide me for my folly!  I knew that Lord Wellstonechalmondley would never stoop so low as to ever notice an ignorant country girl such as myself.  In fact, the cook told me that he was already betrothed to Lady Fanshawe - Smith - Vivian - Bellingham, who was a truly upright and moral woman.  She was so concerned with preserving her innocence and femininity that she would not let Lord Wellstonechalmondley look upon her naked epidermis, which was indecent; many times during my tenure at the Wellstonechalmondley estate she would visit him entirely encased in burlap.  I would gaze upon her with jealousy when I served them afternoon tea.  What an upstanding woman!  She would make a good wife to the lord and surely bear him upwards of twenty-seven children.

One day, I was called into Lord Wellstonechalmondley's salon.  I was so worried of being chastised for some horrible deed such as accidentally showing my ankle to the lord, but I was so innocent and ignorant (and thirteen, and a virgin!  Did I mention that I am from a small village in England?)  that I did not know all of the customs of this town.

"You called, my lord?" I asked after doing an intricate series of curtseys that lasted upwards of twenty minutes, as this was the way to properly greet my master.

"Yes, Jane," he said.  "I have been watching you over these past few months, and I cannot help but be drawn to you, though it is unheard of in Victorian England for a man like me to aspire to be with a woman far below his station.  And I know that you have had your eye on me as well."

"My lord!" I gasped, clutching my bosom, which heaved with youthful ardor.  How could he have known that I fancied him?  Was it the time I carved "Lady Jane Wellstonechalmondley" into the legs of all of the lord's expensive French furniture, or when I wrote him a fifty-page love letter in my own blood that alerted him?  It couldn't have been!  I was too insignificant for a man like him.  "But, my lord, you are betrothed!"

"Lady Fanshawe-Smith-Vivian-Bellingham is a rude, vulgar woman.  She took the liberty of showing me one of her toes when she last called.  Such a thing is unacceptable for a woman."  I blushed.  How awkward it would be for me to be so indecent to Lord Wellstonechalmondley!  "I must have you, Jane," he continued, clutching me against his rigid, oiled body.  "I am madly in love with you, even though I see you for about an hour a day and have said maybe four words to you in the past six months."  What an eloquent declaration of love!  I was overcome with passion.

"Please, Lord Wellstonechal-mondley, rip my bodice and ravish me in a way totally uncharacteristic of our terribly repressed society!" I cried.  "Take my virginity in a way that is not only painless, but will cause us both to fall in love and transcend all class boundaries, not to mention spare me from the shame of having lain with a man before I am married!"

So he did.