• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• The Mighty Hunter
• The Orphan: Victim or Commodity?
• Sex and the City, Victorian Style
• Choose Your Own Victorian Adventure!
• Letters to the Feditors
• Lay A (Caucasian) Burden Down
• Missives From My Mother
• A Cautionary Invective On Throttling One's Own Fowl
• Change Comes To Constants
• London's Burning!
• "Green Sickness": For That Vintage Venereal Burn
• Dear Fundamentalists: Get Down And Get With It
• Fed Sudoku Challenge!
• Connect-the-Dots
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.6

Helen Buyniski

Fancy a spot of tea?

Andres Vedova

A lot of people think us white guys are all sad and frustrated about the end of our global dominance. Yeah, it's true, the White Man's Burden is over and done with and colonialism's become a dirty word. Now, you probably expect me and my other fair-haired, broad shouldered buddies to be crying our eyes out in our local Elks club, talking about the good old days when we'd all be viceroys and have our own islands in the Pacific. The truth of the matter is, that whole White Man's Burden thing was a lot harder than it looked.

Ruling over all of India? That place is fucking huge. Do you know how much trouble that shit was? For a bunch of tea? Yeah, that was a great deal for us. Put down five or six insurrections a year for some Lipton's Classic. Do you know those yahoos actually launched a month-long rebellion because pork oil was being used to grease their rifles? First of all, I can't believe we actually gave them rifles, Disraeli must have been smoking opium or something. Second of all, a rebellion over pork grease? The thing that finally sets you off is pork grease?  

Now, I'm not saying they weren't right to rebel. Colonialism wasn't all fun and games and shooting the noses off Sphinxes; some bad stuff did actually go down. But, quite frankly, I'm sick of hearing about it. They act like governing the whole world was easy, no appreciation at all. Sure, some indigenous cultures were probably wiped out and I guess we could have handled that whole museum at Alexandria thing better and not "destroyed centuries of priceless knowledge". But, if it weren't for us, millions of Africans and Asians would have no idea they're going to Hell. Now, they know! You think it's easy telling people their whole way of life is wrong and that their gods are little more than sticks and pinecones glued together with molasses? Well, it's a tough job. Maybe we got a little overworked sometimes and might have borrowed some national treasures and exploited some natural resources, like native women, but damnit, after a hard day's work we're entitled.  

So, am I sad that we're finally rid of this thankless White Man's Burden? No way. Now when I watch the news and see that they're rioting in Pakistan or running tanks over people in China, I just flip on Everybody Loves Raymond and think ‘Not my problem!'. Sure, I miss the perks. There's really no better pickup line than telling a woman you're a viceroy. Except maybe telling her that you've got an empire the sun never sets on. But, ultimately, I like the free time. I've taken up ceramics and my wife and I are going to those encounter sessions she was always yammering about. I'm less stressed, my wife finally is letting me have sex with her again and I haven't beaten a servant boy to death in years. The White Man's Burden? All in all, I'd say this a burden I'm happy to dump on someone else.