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In This Issue

• The Mighty Hunter
• The Orphan: Victim or Commodity?
• Sex and the City, Victorian Style
• Choose Your Own Victorian Adventure!
• Letters to the Feditors
• Lay A (Caucasian) Burden Down
• Missives From My Mother
• A Cautionary Invective On Throttling One's Own Fowl
• Change Comes To Constants
• London's Burning!
• "Green Sickness": For That Vintage Venereal Burn
• Dear Fundamentalists: Get Down And Get With It
• Fed Sudoku Challenge!
• Connect-the-Dots
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.6

Yoni BenTov

"So then I says to her: f(x)? I hardly know her!" Oh variables, you're all so charming!

Stephanie Quan

X and Y R better than U

I just don't understand," Planck's constant told me, "I'm an okay guy, I just don't really go out much or ever do anything different, so nobody likes me."

Such appears to be, sadly, the fate of many mathematical and physical constants: their static reliability makes them unpopular on the social scene.

"I see x and y out there, having a great time, always hitting on a and b, but nobody ever invites me - not Planck's constant, not h.  I mean, even i-hat and j-hat and k-hat are all at least friends with each other, even though when they make plans one of them is always not on the same plane as the other two."

In an inquiry into the nature of this discrimination, I tried to examine the stigma against the constants and how it arose.

"Well, yeah, I don't really ever do anything," said Planck's constant, "I'm just kind of here all the time.  I just mostly sit here, you know, chill, listen to the radio...sometimes if it's at the right frequency I can tell there's some energy going on somewhere, but I sure as hell don't have it."

"I don't really do much either," Avogadro's number, who lives a few blocks away, agreed, "and nobody wants to come to my room because it's so messy.  Look, I've got 6x10²³ Jolly Ranchers, do you want one?"

I politely declined, because they were somehow lacking the accompanying 6x10²³ Jolly Rancher wrappers, and they were strewn about on the floor amidst 6x10²³ Cheez-its and 6x10²³ dust mites.

"Why don't you go hang out with Planck's constant?" I asked him, "You know, he's hurting for some friends, too."

"Nah, I think I'd rather just stay here," said Avogadro's number, "I'm happy just staying here, doing the same thing."

Apparently getting nothing from the constants, I managed to score an interview with some of the cool kids - the variables.

"It's about being mysterious," x told me.  "Nobody knows exactly what you are!  It's all dependent on other things, you know?  It's like...say y and I want to try to pull some new moves at the club, or at a bar.  We can just create this entirely different persona.  It's like, who I am is completely dependent on who he is - our relationship is directly proportional.  Or if we really want to score big, sometimes we invite z.  Then we all work together, and it's just crazy.  You probably have a hard time visualizing it - most people do."

"Oh, x, he's so cute!" exclaimed a when I asked her, "So...so...mysterious!"

"But aren't you a variable, too?  Aren't you also mysterious?" I wondered.

"Well, sure, I mean, I wouldn't have a chance with him if I wasn't.  Have you met my sister, a0?  Total loser!  a and a0...more like have and have not! We're not sure what's wrong with her, some genetic deformity maybe.  She stands in the middle of her room all day mumbling something about how the Bohr radius cannot be changed.  Bohr radius, more like the boring radius!  Haha, she tried to hit on x once when he walked into her room - no chance!"

Feeling depressed and sorry for the poor constants, I returned home to ruminate when I received a call from Avogadro's number.

"Hey," he said, "how come you didn't talk to the other guys in my house?"

"What?" I said, "I thought you didn't have friends."

"Well, no.  I guess they're more like family.  They live in the basement."  I rushed back over to NA's residence.

In the basement I found the gas constant and the Boltzmann constant.  The gas constant was floating up in the air, espousing the benefits of communism.

"From each according to his ability; to each according to his need!" the gas constant shouted.  The Boltzmann constant cowered on the floor, plugging his ears.

"ARRRRRR," the Boltzmann constant groaned, "for once could you not be so fucking idealistic?"

"Why don't you go somewhere else if you don't like what he's saying?" I suggested.

"I can't!  I'm not an independent constant!  I'm completely dependent on the gas constant and Avogadro's number!  If they don't change what they're doing or where they are, I can't either!"  He then returned to complaining about the gas constant's idealism.

"Wouldn't it be nice if we could all work together?"  The voice followed me as I started to leave, but suddenly, I had an idea.  I went back into Avogadro's number's basement.

"Hey, you guys, what about c?  The speed of light is a constant - but I bet he goes places all the time!  I bet he has all sorts of friends!  You guys should hang out with him!"  They met my suggestion with rolled eyes.

"Good luck catching him and telling him that," said the Boltzmann constant, "No, no, I'm fine with my only friends being this schmuck and my imaginary friend i."

Depressed, but feeling like I finally understood what it felt like to be a constant, I returned home.  My only words of wisdom to you are this: constants are numbers, too.  Try to give them as much love as they deserve.