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In This Issue

• The Mighty Hunter
• The Orphan: Victim or Commodity?
• Sex and the City, Victorian Style
• Choose Your Own Victorian Adventure!
• Letters to the Feditors
• Lay A (Caucasian) Burden Down
• Missives From My Mother
• A Cautionary Invective On Throttling One's Own Fowl
• Change Comes To Constants
• London's Burning!
• "Green Sickness": For That Vintage Venereal Burn
• Dear Fundamentalists: Get Down And Get With It
• Fed Sudoku Challenge!
• Connect-the-Dots
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.6

Peasants,

I admit it, I  haven't read David Horowitz's book about how Columbia is a haven for Jews and communists and communist Jews.  However, I feel safe saying that Horowitz probably left out a few of Columbia's most dangerous professors.  So, without further ado, I present to you Columbia's Most Dangerous Math and Science Professors Who Have Given Me Bad Grades.

Stats prof G. Gallego is obviously an agent of the terrorists.  Because he is an enemy of freedom, I never went to class, so as to avoid becoming infected with his vicious rhetoric.  And that, potential employers, is why I got a C- in my intro statistics class: because I love America.

CompSci prof A. Aho is Canadian.  This enemy from the North "teaches" programming languages.  I suspect he is actually gathering information in preparation for the Canuck invasion.  I warned him not to mess with the USA by doing poorly in his class.

Gateway instructor J. McGourty is probably on speed.  While his dangerous habits are not in and of themselves a threat to our freedom, his example has more than likely aggravated our "study aid" problem.

Calculus prof Stanislav Whatever-his-last-name-is pronouces his v's like w's and vice versa.  Or, as he would say, "wice-wersa".  Obviously, he is a communist, and that is why my Calc grades are dismal.

CompSci prof J. Gross  might seem like a bad Woody Allen impersonator, but don't let his affable exterior fool you.  He shot JFK, with help from Castro.  JFK would have wanted me to fail his tests, so I did.

-Sam Jenning, EIC the fed.

Preferred by 9 out of 10 drunks

i'm just arriving home from a night at the pub..  i stumbled upon your website in a drunken stupor..  I just saw a gay man make out with an aging female prostitute for free.. meaning he nor I had to pay..  okay I was that gay man... no wait... i was the aging prostitute... oh my dear sweet lord... i have both parts!!  oops.. no, i'm just drunk... honestly.. i am both gay and straight.. funny and  boring...  exquisitely costumed and condemnably gaudy...  i like you thanks for the smile jamie
-joel spookyj***@hotmail.com

The Fed-tator Sports Section

Met someone who i used to swim with at columbia and he mentioned winning a swim meet that i don't recall (imagine!).  Do you plan to extend your archives back to the late 70's?  If so, by when do you expect this to occur.
Thanks.
Eric Wiscavage  E'80, <ewi**@comcast.net>

Eric,
  You have been terribly misled.  By whom, I cannot say.  I doubt The Fed has ever seriously covered sports, much less ones that no one cares about, like swimming.  Oops, caught myself lifting opinions from the Spec editorial page again.  Bastards.
-Sam Jenning, EIC and season-ending injury.

The Fed is not Nightline

Dear The Fed,
I am currently looking to do research on the matter of high student suicide rates for a psych class.  I was wondering If there were any sources (i.e. books, journals, etc..) that would point me in the right direction for this research.  Please email me at c***@iona.edu if you know of anything.  Thanks.
Cheyne

Cheyne,
  Columbia just isn't the suicide powerhouse it used to be.  It is with a heavy heart that I must direct you to NYU.  I hear their Bobst Library is a great place to start.
Good Luck,
-Sam Jenning, EIC

The Bash That is Fed

So you know, Fed Bash, Columbia's best punk rock, burlesque, hip hop, sci-fi costume party is March 24.   You are cordially invited to attend.

This year's bash features Anton Glamb, The Glorious Ninth, Re-Ree, burlesque performances by suicide girls and costume enthusiasts, student dance, art, and film, and more fun than can usually fit into Lerner Party Space.

Here's the skinny:
    Fed Bash
    Friday, March 24
    Lerner Party Space
    Doors 8:30

$5 to get in and 2 IDs to drink sweet, sweet Brooklyn Brewery products.  You heard us.  This is the one night you can be proud to stay on campus.