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In This Issue

• The Mighty Hunter
• The Orphan: Victim or Commodity?
• Sex and the City, Victorian Style
• Choose Your Own Victorian Adventure!
• Letters to the Feditors
• Lay A (Caucasian) Burden Down
• Missives From My Mother
• A Cautionary Invective On Throttling One's Own Fowl
• Change Comes To Constants
• London's Burning!
• "Green Sickness": For That Vintage Venereal Burn
• Dear Fundamentalists: Get Down And Get With It
• Fed Sudoku Challenge!
• Connect-the-Dots
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.6

Helen Buyniski

Likewise on meat-beating!

Ria Mar-Fan

The British monarchy is proud of the brilliant young men of England. We want nothing less than all the best for you, the future of Great Britain. Lately, however, we have been somewhat perturbed by what seems to be a growth in errant behaviors. These deceptively alluring acts must be curtailed before it is too late. We find it absolutely imperative to provide an education for you on the true nature of these acts. This matter is of utmost importance. We do hope you will read this pamphlet with all the seriousness that it requires and take advantage of the knowledge you acquire, for future of our great empire rests upon you.

The young men of today are feebly falling victim to an endless beckoning of the loins. Some are then making the mistake to act upon these sensations in an appalling, new-fangled way. You are engaging in what is known as, in medical circles, "devil-driven-carnal-sin," "fornication," or, more colloquially, "the striking of unsightlies". This act will condemn your souls to the fiery bowels of hell. For those heathens among you who do not find eternal damnation to be enough of a deterrent, scientists have recently deduced that wicked desires lead to death, lifelong dysentery, implosion of the loins, and the downfall of the British Empire.

It is true that carnal knowledge is not a novel act, but in the past it has only been used for one sole purpose: procreation. It is not meant to be enjoyed. If it feels pleasurable, it is being performed incorrectly. Do not think it can lead to enjoyment privately, for God sees and knows all. In fact, He has a fitting punishment for those that attempt coitus for the sake of pleasure: "he will be smote by My holy hand with leprosy," (John 4:13). So ask yourself: do you want to lose your limbs to desire?

Another act, known generally as "self-abuse" or "the throttling of the fowl" seems to also have become fashionable. Friends may tell you that this too is enjoyable, but nary a young lad has told you the full truth. Recent studies show that 97.6% of men that masturbate will spend the remainder of their lives profoundly psychotic, in an asylum. Yes, this act unfailingly leads to insanity. Chronic self-pleasurers also tend to lose their eyesight, become increasingly weak, die young or spend the rest of their life with a thick coat of fur on their entire bodies. If you decide to join in their ranks, you will undoubtedly suffer a similar fate. Is that a price you are willing to pay?

Lately it has also become more acceptable to look to women of the night, or prostitutes, for fornication purposes. What these fallen women do not tell you is that 9 out of 10 of them suffer from a severe case of moral degeneracy, also known as syphilis. Moral degeneracy spreads with a vengeance, affecting all those that come in any kind of contact with a previously infected individual. It, too, unquestionably leads to death.

You youths may be trembling with fear right now, worried about the well-being of your generation. Fear not! We have created many ways to curb your vicious desires so you can lead a pious, quiet life. Castration is a solution that has worked for many a young gentleman. It consists of the quick and simple removal of the organs of sin - rendering one more capable of living a life of decency and integrity. For those wishing for something less honorable but equally efficient, there are many nutritious elixirs and foodstuffs created just for this purpose. Cornflakes and graham crackers, both satisfying snacks, completely relieve all carnal urges. Low doses of cobra venom and arsenic have also been known to do the same. They too can, albeit rarely, cause death, but it is a noble death - one of which to be proud. Victory over yourself is possible - we have faith that you will lead our land to greatness, devoid of all wicked wantonness. After all, we do not want to end up like our American compatriots, now do we?