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In This Issue

• The Mighty Hunter
• The Orphan: Victim or Commodity?
• Sex and the City, Victorian Style
• Choose Your Own Victorian Adventure!
• Letters to the Feditors
• Lay A (Caucasian) Burden Down
• Missives From My Mother
• A Cautionary Invective On Throttling One's Own Fowl
• Change Comes To Constants
• London's Burning!
• "Green Sickness": For That Vintage Venereal Burn
• Dear Fundamentalists: Get Down And Get With It
• Fed Sudoku Challenge!
• Connect-the-Dots
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.6

A stripper's ass: Cocaine tested, mother approved... until she reads about it.

Hoo boy were the readers unhappy with the article last issue. Apparently snorting a line of coke off a stripper's ass is no longer the CU pastime it used to be. Fellatio? That's for squares. And clubbing a sack of puppies, a.k.a. Chuck Norris' sperms? Totally 2001.

Yet there was one reader that was especially upset, a reader I never expected to ever see The Fed: my mother. Now, my mother does not regularly frequent Columbia checking campus publications for offensive articles I've written. She does not have a mail order subscription nor is she even aware of The Fed's website. Oh no. As I told my Feditor in a very frightened e-mail: "Someone mailed my mother six copies of The Fed... she is positively furious."

Who is that someone you ask? Well it's my newfound arch-nemesis, C.A. Yes, C.A. I know it was you, you fucking rat bastard. And no, I didn't do any fancy detective work, I simply believed you when you said you mailed my mother six copies of the Fed, you... jerk... I said jerk because he's probably going to mail this to my mom again and I want to seem as nice as possible. But enough about what a fucker-that-cries-while-he-masturbates C.A. is. Here's a little "point-counterpoint-I'm sorry Mom":

1)    "snorting a line of coke"

Complaint: "You better not know ANYTHING about doing hard drugs!"

I don't do coke. Well, I drink Coca-Cola but that's about it. I realize there's not much humor in this part but damn, she was pissed.

2)    "stripper's ass"

Complaint: "Strip clubs are degrading to women and a waste of your money!"

I've never been to a strip club. If I ever went to one I would leave with empty pockets. Strangely enough, I have a hard time saying no to naked women. Boobs are like fucking hypnowheels to me.

3)    "She fellates me"

Complaint: "Why the hell do you fantasize about having risqué sex?"

Fellatio? Do I seriously have to let you people know what my stance on oral sex is? And then defend it?

4)    "You make me sicker than my chemotherapy. You can kiss the most cancerous part of my ass"

Complaint: "You didn't have cancer! You had high grade dysplasia! That's just ALMOST cancer!"

Alright, fine, so it's close but not quite. Close should count in horseshoes, hand grenades, and having cancer. And seeing as how I've had six pieces cut out of me over the years I think I should get to make a comparable six horribly offensive jokes without public (and when I say public, I mainly mean my mom) critique. But if you people (Again, just my mom) really wanna bitch about it, fine: You make me sicker than the chemotherapy probably would if I hadn't caught these dysplastic cells in time! You can kiss the most ALMOST cancerous part of my ass, and since I've never had ass dysplasia you can just go ahead and kiss my entire ass. That P.C. enough for you fuckers?

5)    "I then made Jesus get crucified..."

Complaint: "You don't even BELIEVE in Jesus! Nor were you alive back then!"

Ok, so I mocked a billion people's Lord & Savior. One of those commandments says Do not kill, so I've gotta be fine. There's no way anyone religious would ever kill someone. Right? RIGHT?? Oh wait. Holy shit, I'm fucked.

6)    "I club a sack full of puppies"

Complaint: "You love cats! Puppies are close enough to cats that I don't think you could club a sack full of them!"

It's true, I do love cats, (He said he loves pussy! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! Grow the fuck up...) and I do not habitually club sacks full of puppies. I just kind of assumed most people (i.e. my mom) could tell that was a joke. Where would I even GET a sack of puppies?