• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• The Mighty Hunter
• The Orphan: Victim or Commodity?
• Sex and the City, Victorian Style
• Choose Your Own Victorian Adventure!
• Letters to the Feditors
• Lay A (Caucasian) Burden Down
• Missives From My Mother
• A Cautionary Invective On Throttling One's Own Fowl
• Change Comes To Constants
• London's Burning!
• "Green Sickness": For That Vintage Venereal Burn
• Dear Fundamentalists: Get Down And Get With It
• Fed Sudoku Challenge!
• Connect-the-Dots
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.6

FUCK. Once again, a perfectly good evening ruined by the monstrosity that is THEY WATCH. For those of you not in the "know," THEY WATCH is a conglomerate of people that know better than you do for very good reasons. And today we were hanging around, asserting our divine right, when we saw that many were thinking of NOT ATTENDING FED BASH. This is UNACCEPTABLE and has brought our wrath to unheard-of levels, vis:

1. Are you familiar with the India-Pakistan nuclear conflict that nearly brought us into a glowing, bright, nuclear winter in the dying days of the 20th century? Neither are we, but suffice it to say, countries we don't know about are big into nuclear bombs. I like nuclear bombs because I'm the only one that has one, see? Bud these days, everyone wants a goddamn nuclear weapon to threaten his buddies with. Nuclear weapons are not iPods! And if they were, I would have a 60 GB one! THE APPLE-FICATION OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS = THEY!

2. Did you watch the Oscars this week? Did you see who won? Oh! How fortuitous! And yet, what a shame! Truly, we are both distraught and elated by this turn of events! Now, let me collect myself calmly before stomping your cinema-connoisseuring face into the dirt. Who the fuck cares? You could nominate Doctor Zhivago for every category and as long as your favorite stars came in their skimpiest, drug-addled outfits, you'd watch like Pavlov's dog! THE OSCARS = THEY!

3. THOSE THAT DO  NOT ATTEND FED BASH = THEY. Seriously. That just goes beyond being "THEY." You might be legally braindead. Just go. Got it?