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In This Issue

• The New Spec Editorial Page
• A Sojourn to M’Ville
• Fear and Loathing with Jim Henson
• I Can Be Homeless Too, Mommy
• Letters to the Feditor
• She Says, “To-MAH-to,” He Says, “Bll-RR-gh.”
• The Hobo Lottery
• Fractal Tetris
• News on the Party Front(al Nudity)
• Everything is Love and Theft
• Loving the Mailer-Daemon
• Community Time
• “They” Continue to Keep Natural Cures From You
• Fed Bash - NOT! LOLOLomg
• Plagiarismo in Two Lines with Things Like That
• Senator Kennedy Surprises Attendants of "Ted Bash"
• A Letter from Our Sudoku Editor
• Hinden-Fed
• South-by-Southwest Tour Diary
• THEY Watch
• Staff of 21.7

From: r******@columbia.edu
To: MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu
Subject: Your Exclusive Fed Interview

Dear Mr./Mrs.(?) Mailer-Daemon:
    My name is Rob Trump.  I've been trying to secure an interview with you for years, but my attempts to find your address or phone number have been fruitless. In a last-ditch effort, I thought I would send you an e-mail with the most earnest hopes for your response.
    There are so many things I would like to know about you, Mailer-Daemon. Are you a Greater or Lesser Daemon? Do you even have a fixed residence, or do you just float about the internet? Since you are specifically Columbia's Mailer-Daemon, I must assume that you are somehow localized here. Do you reside, twisting and tortured, in the radioactive depths of Pupin?  Are you forever lost, trying to find a bathroom in Schermerhorn like Sisyphus rolling his boulder?  Are you in the Carman stairwell, creating horrible noxious fumes that force people on floor 4 to take the elevator, and then I get angry at them, but then I stop blaming them after I have smelled the aromas in the stairs?
    In any case, O beautiful Mailer-Daemon, I beeseech you to emerge from your depths of returning emails and answer me.  I burn for you, O Mailer-Daemon... I wish for you to be mine forever! O Mailer-Daemon ...I ...I ...love you.
Sincerely,
Rob Trump

To: r******@columbia.edu
From:MAILERDAEMON@columbia.edu
Subject: Returned mail: see transcript for details

The original message was received at Wed, 5 Apr 2006 22:50:44 -0400 (EDT)
from localhost [127.0.0.1]

Host breadfruit.cc.columbia.edu reports the errors below

   ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>
    (reason: 550 5.1.1 <MAILER-DAEMON@send.columbia.edu>... User unknown)
    (expanded from: <MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>)

   ----- Transcript of session follows -----
...while talking to send-vif.cc.columbia.edu.:
>>> DATA<<< 550 5.1.1 <MAILERDAEMON@send.columbia.edu>... User unknown
550 5.1.1 <MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>... User unknown
<<< 503 5.0.0 Need RCPT (recipient)

From: r******@columbia.edu
To: MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu
Subject: Why, Mailer-Daemon, why?
    Is this how you treat me, Mailer-Daemon, keeper of the gates to my heart. Do you try to distract me with all this talk of transcripts? Do you mock my fruitless search with your mention of breadfruit?  I have no need for such trifles. I love you, Mailer-Daemon. I don't even need to interview you anymore; I just want your sweet love. If you reciprocate my feelings, just respond to this email with the subject title "Returned mail: see transcript for details" and I will know that your love is as strong as mine! If you do, you will meet me on the steps of Low Library at 3:00 PM tomorrow and we shall be publicly wed!  You’ll know me by the red rose in my lapel.

Yours,
Rob Trump

To: r******@columbia.edu
From:MAILERDAEMON@columbia.edu
Subject: Returned mail: see transcript for details

The original message was received at Wed, 5 Apr 2006 23:06:14 -0400 (EDT)
from localhost [127.0.0.1]

Host breadfruit.cc.columbia.edu reports the errors below

   ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>
    (reason: 550 5.1.1 <MAILER-DAEMON@send.columbia.edu>... User unknown)
    (expanded from: <MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>)

   ----- Transcript of session follows -----
... while talking to send-vif.cc.columbia.edu.:
>>> DATA
<<< 550 5.1.1 <MAILER-DAEMON@send.columbia.edu>... User unknown
550 5.1.1 <MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>... User unknown
<<< 503 5.0.0 Need RCPT (recipient)

From: r******@columbia.edu
To: MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu
Subject: Where were you, Mailer-Daemon?
    O, you wily Mailer-Daemon!  You trick me like that, and stand me up at my own wedding?! My gammie flew in from Ohio for it!  I am dishonored, Mailer-Daemon, dishonored forever!

Brokenhearted,
Rob Trump

To: r******@columbia.edu
From: MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu
Subject: Returned mail: see transcript for details

The original message was received at Thu, 6 Apr 2006 15:40:19 -0400 (EDT)
from localhost [127.0.0.1]

Host breadfruit.cc.columbia.edu reports the errors below

   ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>
    (reason: 550 5.1.1 <MAILER-DAEMON@send.columbia.edu>... User unknown)
    (expanded from: <MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>)

   ----- Transcript of session follows -----
... while talking to send-vif.cc.columbia.edu.:
>>> DATA
<<< 550 5.1.1 <MAILER-DAEMON@send.columbia.edu>... User unknown
550 5.1.1 <MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu>... User unknown
<<< 503 5.0.0 Need RCPT (recipient)

From: r******@columbia.edu
To: MAILER-DAEMON@columbia.edu
Subject: We’re through

    It’s over, Mailer-Daemon, I’m going to stop trying to get coherent responses out of you.  I’ve fallen for another.  He/she (?) is much more communicative than you ever were.  Video Google is the name of my new beau, and we will be together forever, enjoying videos of women falling down trap doors and men photocopying their asses! Goodbye forever, Mailer-Daemon!