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In This Issue

• The New Spec Editorial Page
• A Sojourn to M’Ville
• Fear and Loathing with Jim Henson
• I Can Be Homeless Too, Mommy
• Letters to the Feditor
• She Says, “To-MAH-to,” He Says, “Bll-RR-gh.”
• The Hobo Lottery
• Fractal Tetris
• News on the Party Front(al Nudity)
• Everything is Love and Theft
• Loving the Mailer-Daemon
• Community Time
• “They” Continue to Keep Natural Cures From You
• Fed Bash - NOT! LOLOLomg
• Plagiarismo in Two Lines with Things Like That
• Senator Kennedy Surprises Attendants of "Ted Bash"
• A Letter from Our Sudoku Editor
• Hinden-Fed
• South-by-Southwest Tour Diary
• THEY Watch
• Staff of 21.7

To some people the cup is half full. To others it’s half empty. To yet others, it’s proof that I stole their beer. I’m told these different views of one thing are called "perspectives," and if I were to cultivate them I would gain "diversity of opinion." I checked the stock market for the going rate of diversity and it was slightly less valuable then self-esteem, but I was bored so I decided to go presectivating. With my tape recorder in hand, I got two accounts just pulsating with the sweet ooze that is socioeconomic class distinction! Let’s take a look at the same day from two different radical viewpoints so we can all profit in a boatload of diversity!

Betsy Allmond - My Busy Day
Can you believe the garbage men these days? They woke me up by picking up the garbage this morning at 9AM! I mean come ON! My parents pay good money so that I can get my beauty sleep! WTF! But whatever. It’s not as bad as when my roommate sexiled me from our room with my own crush.

Joe Sturskrut - My Busy Day
Can you believe the garbage men these days? They woke me up by trying to steal my home at 9am this morning! I mean come on! I had to fight another guy on camera for good money just so I could sleep in this box! Bllrrgh! (spittle flies) But whatever, it’s not as bad as when Malaria Pete beat me with my own shoe.

Betsy-
Well, the next thing I did was go to get some breakfast to fortify myself with electrolytes! I went to swipe into JJ, and wouldn’t you know, I realized I left my card in my room! I was all like, “How can I be so dumb? I go to Columbia, LOL!”

Joe -
Well the next thing I did was go to get a forty to get piss-assed drunk! I went to swipe a forty from MW and, wouldn’t you know, no one would give me any change on the way. I was all like, “How can I be so poor? I live near Columbia, splurgh!”

Betsy-
I went all the way back to Carman and then I had to wait until someone would sign me in. Those security guards are such a pain. I mean, who cares anyway? The whole place just looks AND feels a prison. After I finally got in, I went back to my room and what did I see, but my slut of a roommate with my crush, AGAIN! I couldn’t handle the two of them, so I just grabbed my card and ran. They were all like, “Betsy, why don’t you come hang out with us?” I just ignored them and kept running.

Joe -
I went all the way to Carman and tried carefully to sneak myself in because if those security guards catch you it’s such a pain. But for some reason, inside Carman I feel so comfortable, like home. After I finally got in, I tried to steal from a room, and what did I see but two large, foul-smelling football players who told me to think again! I couldn’t handle the two of them, so I just grabbed cash and ran. Unfortunately they were much faster than I was and they were like, “Let's beat on this poor guy who’s covered in pus!” They got a couple of blows in, but I escaped and kept running.

Betsy-
That was so embarrassing. I felt like I was going to die. For realz! But I wasn’t going to let a jerk get in my way of having a good day. I decided to go to Central Park because the wildlife always cheers me up. When I went there, I saw this totally depressing homeless guy. I felt so bad for him wasting his life away. He looked so hungry and sad; it really touched me. I gave him a nickel and felt so charitable. Having done my good deed for the day, I took off my over-shirt and sunbathed for a while.

Joe-
That was so painful, I felt like I was going to die. (Spits) But I wasn’t going to let a broken rib get in the way of my having a good day. I decided to go to Central Park because eating the wildlife always cheers me up. When I went there, I saw this dumb floozy wearing a Columbia shirt. I felt so bad for her parents wasting their money away. She looked like she had the syphilis so I didn’t let her touch me. I didn’t call her a cheap whore when she gave me a nickel. I felt so charitable. Having done my good deed for the day I took off my overcoat and exposed myself to women for a while.

Betsy-
While I was lying there, some guy made a cat call at me and I was so offended! I mean this is 2006! How can men still be such dicks? I tried to spend the rest of the day in deep meditation but this cute guy kept running by and it distracted me.

Joe-
While I was flashing people, a woman laughed and I was so offended! I mean, it’s a good six inches, which is a good size among dicks! I tried to spend the rest of the day catching squirrels but the cute ones keep running up trees and eluding me.

Betsy-
Sheesh! All this excitement, all this drama, all this responsibility. The college life is fraught with trials and tribulations that I just can’t handle. It's as if I have the hardest life in the world and no one cares about me at all. I have to do so much reading and keep up my social appearances. It’s like the world is just trying to cage me into a little box labeled “college girl” and I don’t fit. I’M A SQUARE PEG IN A ROUND HOLE. If only, if only life were just a little easier. God, I just I wish I was poor. I wish I was just like that homeless man without a care in the world. I would be as free as a delicate butterfly in wind dancing between metaphor and allegory, then . . .

Joe-
I just beat my personal record for longest belch. I’m so awesome.