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In This Issue

• The New Spec Editorial Page
• A Sojourn to M’Ville
• Fear and Loathing with Jim Henson
• I Can Be Homeless Too, Mommy
• Letters to the Feditor
• She Says, “To-MAH-to,” He Says, “Bll-RR-gh.”
• The Hobo Lottery
• Fractal Tetris
• News on the Party Front(al Nudity)
• Everything is Love and Theft
• Loving the Mailer-Daemon
• Community Time
• “They” Continue to Keep Natural Cures From You
• Fed Bash - NOT! LOLOLomg
• Plagiarismo in Two Lines with Things Like That
• Senator Kennedy Surprises Attendants of "Ted Bash"
• A Letter from Our Sudoku Editor
• Hinden-Fed
• South-by-Southwest Tour Diary
• THEY Watch
• Staff of 21.7

Living in cramped quarters with other people who spend their time alternately ingesting esoteric literature and mind-altering substances tends to really fuck with one’s immune system. The CDC – Center for Definitely-Valid Coverage – has reported that over 104% of undergraduates’ nervous systems mysteriously vanish for all four years of college. See, take me, for example. In high school, I could bite through steel bars and swim through a human sea of plague victims and be fine – nay, I would even become stronger from their pain! However, when I got to college to pick up my Bachelor’s degree in pre-totally legitimate medicine, I would’ve wasted away on a divan if I could’ve squeezed one into my shoebox of a single. While the guys do love a pallid, dying woman, it’s really tough to look sexy while simultaneously doing the nasty and hacking up a solid green ball of phlegm and disease.

That’s why I turned to the cure that they (probably some sort of global conspiracy... I’m thinking International Jewry or the Freemasons) won’t tell you about: SCIENCE™, which is a subsidiary of Biopharmenetics, Inc. Now, this isn’t the same as ordinary science. For one thing, science isn’t capitalized with three exclamation points, and it’s definitely not trademarked. And that’s what makes this so special: a contract written on a napkin from the Patent Office of Tuvalu. But it’s been notarized, dammit, and that’s all that matters.

So, you may be asking, what’s the secret of SCIENCE™!!!? Well, I’ll tell you. SCIENCE™!!! is the use of natural chemicals to cure horrible, horrible diseases. Medicines like Prozac and penicillin only serve to shackle us to the pharmaceutical industry and oppress the chemicals, viruses, and bacteria that are only trying to make a living in the ecosystem we call a body. SCIENCE™!!! actually turns these bad things into good things using all-natural supplements. Do you have cancer? Do you think you have cancer? Take our Cancer Blocker pills twice a day. The corn syrup and Red #40 in it have been proven by scientists at the Biopharmenetics Institute at Cozener University (a non-accredited institution) to envelop cancer with good vibes and love until it agrees to stop being harmful. This outburst of positive, cancer-fighting energy can be intensified by purchasing one of our magnetic copper health bracelets, which harnesses the power of magnetism and SCIENCE™!!! to fill your body with good karma. At Biopharmenetics, we believe in nonviolent pathogen removal, unlike a relentless attack of pharmaceuticals that not only damage the innocent things that are making you violently ill, but also make you even sicker! Our scientists at Cozener have found that everyday medicines, like aspirin and ibuprofen, actually eat away at your organs when you take them, causing things like ulcers, heart murmurs, emphysema, osteoporosis, tuberculosis and threeburculosis, kidney failure, housewife’s knee, gout, cirrhosis, dysentery, typhoid, Bubonic Plague, AIDS, and death.

Our critics, usually those fatcats from the Illuminati and so-called medical researchers from “Harvard University” point to the word “Pez” scratched into the side of our pills or their fruity taste as a sign that we are selling candy and not all-natural pharmaceuticals. Our supplier, Pharma-natural Enterprises of Zambia, needs the publicity from our company, and we believe that medicine should be not only good for you, but good-tasting, unlike the disgusting flavor that comes from “real medicine” from the fascist pharmaceutical industry. We had world-renowned chefs, like that one guy from the Food Network, working around the clock to develop the best recipe to make people want to take medicine. Love, good taste, and painstaking “research” are what make SCIENCE™!!! and Biopharmenetics a revolution in disease-fighting.