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In This Issue

• The New Spec Editorial Page
• A Sojourn to M’Ville
• Fear and Loathing with Jim Henson
• I Can Be Homeless Too, Mommy
• Letters to the Feditor
• She Says, “To-MAH-to,” He Says, “Bll-RR-gh.”
• The Hobo Lottery
• Fractal Tetris
• News on the Party Front(al Nudity)
• Everything is Love and Theft
• Loving the Mailer-Daemon
• Community Time
• “They” Continue to Keep Natural Cures From You
• Fed Bash - NOT! LOLOLomg
• Plagiarismo in Two Lines with Things Like That
• Senator Kennedy Surprises Attendants of "Ted Bash"
• A Letter from Our Sudoku Editor
• Hinden-Fed
• South-by-Southwest Tour Diary
• THEY Watch
• Staff of 21.7

I love stealing. Maybe I like it so much because then I have stuff for free. Yeah, that’s probably it. But here are a few of my conquests and greatest defeats.

A sandwich or soda from Café 212
Difficulty: ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE.
Comments: There is no way to steal anything from Café 212. It simply cannot be done. Café 212, as I assume you are reading this, do not change a thing, your security is top notch. The Café is an impregnable fortress. LEAVE IT AS IT IS! NO ONE CAN ROB YOU!

My friend Oleg’s shit
Difficulty: Too easy.
Comments: I’ve taken this man’s watch, wallet, keys, IDs, cell phone, laptop, leather jacket that he actually stole, backpack, and overshirt. His fucking overshirt. Who the hell doesn’t notice that’s missing when it’s fucking two degrees Kelvin out? So yeah, if you ever need to rob someone, then Oleg’s your man. Although he knows Kung Fu. Or how to drink. It’s one of the two.

Yeah, I mean, you could steal it. But why? It's not good.
Stuff from John Jay
Difficulty: Easy if you’re awesome.
Comments: Most people steal trays, or plates and silverware. Not me, Mr. Awesome. Mr. Awesome stole an entire fucking chair from John Jay. It entailed breaking the chair, hiding some parts in a backpack and the rest in my jacket. I then threw the chair out because what the fuck do I want with a broken chair?

Someone’s crutches
Difficulty: Depends on whether or not they’re using them at the time.
Comments: Once you actually acquire the crutches it’s quite easy because they can’t chase you without them. After that, though, you have crutches. They don’t work very well as stilts. I suggest trying to sell them. If you can’t find anyone willing to buy them, break some legs. Demand will skyrocket!

Alma Mater
Difficulty: Quite heavy.
Comments: Once you get strong enough to actually carry the statue away, no one stops you. What the hell do they care? Columbia has three, well, make that two extra Alma Maters sitting around. It’s not like she’s hot; no one really cares when she goes missing. On a mildly related note, I thought Alma Mater was a statue of a man for my first two months at Columbia. Then a new problem arises: what do with it? It’s metal and unattractive, so sex is only like the third best option. I suggest stealing wheels and fashioning it into THE GREATEST SOAP BOX DERBY-MOBILE EVER.

Lerner Hall
Difficulty: 1- It’s big. 2- It’s see-through. 3- There’s people in it most of the time.
Comments: This one is damn hell ass tricky. You gotta be strong, stealthy, and somehow distract however many people are currently in Lerner. I recommend the pissed-off-guy approach. If you saw a guy bitching about life while he was carrying a building, would you say anything? No. No you would not. Because this man is pissed off. And he is holding a building, which he can assumedly drop on you if you piss him off. And guns don’t kill you, buildings do, guns just make the buildings heavier. And once you’ve stolen Lerner, no one will be able to resist playing life-size Donkey Kong. No one.

All the orphans out of an orphanarium
Difficulty: Who the fuck cares about orphans?
Comments: Seriously. Who the fuck cares about orphans?