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In This Issue

• Water On The Knee
• The Annihilator of Mathematics
• Demonic Speak-n-Spell
• The Fed Interviews Jon Voight
• Letters to the Feditors
• Sam Jenning, or: Eating Children For Profit
• Immigrate This!
• Where In Our Hearts Is Carmen Sandiego?
• The Life and Times of Carmen Sandiego
• Redder Rabbit?
• Good Golly Fucking Gumdrops, I Like Candy!
• The City’s New Hot, Sexy, Superhot Nightclub!
• Where's Waldo?
• Logical Journey into Eugenics
• Think Columbia Sucks? It's Your Fault, Doofus.
• A Farewell to Harms
• A Farewell To Bill
• Tracy Briskit, Fed Queen
• Make Your Own Safe Space!
• Columbia Trail: Safe Space, Bathroom in 347 miles
• Cook with Barney!
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.8
• The Staff of Volume 21

Guess what I did last Thursday night? I went to a college party! Not just any college party, but the fucking hottest college party that has ever gone down. Me! A 15 year-old high school freshman sneaking her way into a party full of cute, mature college guys! Me and my friends Madison and Ali - they’re my B.F.F.s ;) - heard that there was this party that went down at Columbia every Thursday night and we decided to go. I told my lame parents that I was going to the library to study with Madison and Ali but instead we got in a cab and headed uptown to party hard. Ali snuck one of her mom’s Smirnoff Ices, ‘cause her mom has been drinking a lot since her parents’ divorce, and we totally split it in the cab and got sooooooooo hammered. Well, at one point in the cab I asked Ali, “Where did you hear about this party?” and she was totally like, “I heard about it from our science teacher, Mr. Parks. He said that it was way the coolest place to be on a Thursday night in all of New York.” Then Madison turned to Ali and asked, “What’s this party called?” and Madison was totally like, “Its called, um, Frontiers of Science Journal Club. Doesn’t that sound so awesome?” And it was!

Well, first we got out of the cab at this place called Milano’s where, guess what, they didn’t ask for our IDs when we bought a 40 of beer! I thought my braces would be a total giveaway that we weren’t 21, but fortunately, Madison speaks fluent housekeeper and, surprisingly, so did the cashier at Milano’s, so she was chill about us buying beer. I think its because we’re totally more mature than your average high school freshman. Anyways, we went over to this place called Hamilton Hall and wouldn’t you know it, but there were at least 10 cute guys and, unfortunately, a couple of skanky chicks who were hanging on to them, all in this one room. Every guy there had this total college vibe; they were all wearing thick glasses, corduroy pants (even though it was 70 degrees out) and all had these cool high-tech calculators with them. Some of them were even Asian! Which is a good thing for Ali, you know, because her two dads adopted her from Korea, where apparently, they eat babies. Anyway, we were pretty drunk at this point off of our 40 and our Smirnoff Ice and we started to go up to boys and talk to them. The first guy I met was this dreamy guy named Yitzhak. He only wanted to talk about the action potential of neurons, but I was all like, “You’re hot, what bands do you listen to?” and he was like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” and I was all like, “I love Kelly Clarkson, woo!!!!” Anyways, Ali was all over this boy named Eugene, because he was Asian, and he thought that Ali was so hot that he had an asthma attack and wet the front of his pants. I wish a guy would react like that to my flirting! Madison, on the other hand, was dealing with this total bitch named Darcy Kelley (who we called Darcy Smelly!) who was all like, “You’re not Frontiers of Science students” and “Please stop interrupting Dr. Hefnauver’s speech on non-dysjunction problems in myelin-depleted mice”. Well, then Madison got all up in her face and she was like, “Look, bitch, we’re hot, young, and drunk and all of the guys here would rather be partying with us. You’re just jealous ‘cause, like, you’re old and shit and no one wants to fuck you in your dinosaur vagina.”

Well, as the night went on, things totally got wilder. I met this guy named David Helfand who was, without a doubt, the cutest boy I have ever met. He was kind of old, like 26 or something, but we totally had this instant connection. I was all like, “You’re hot. What’s your favorite show on MTV?” And he was all like, “Do you have braces?” and “Are you even a Columbia student?” and I was all like, “I love Laguna Beach, too!” and then we totally hardcore made out. I jumped on him and jammed my tongue down his throat, it was totally hot, and, this was so cute: he started to squirm and push me away and shout, “Dear God, someone get this girl off of me” whenever I came back up for air. I think he was just nervous because of my powerful, mature, feminine sexuality. It’s so cute when guys are vulnerable like that! But then that skank bitch Darcy Smelly, who was just jealous ‘cause I was totally making out with this foxy guy, pulled me off of David and had Columbia security escort me and Madison and Ali out. God, what a bitch!

Anyways, besides the end, it was totally a fun night. It was the best, well, only college party I have ever been to and I totally want to go to more! In fact, I found out from that guy Yitzhak that there was totally this party that happened every Friday at sundown called “Aish” which, apparently, means “fire” in Hebrew. Doesn’t that sound totally hot and sexy? I think Ali, Madison and me will have to go to the ”library” and “study” tomorrow night, too!