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In This Issue

• Water On The Knee
• The Annihilator of Mathematics
• Demonic Speak-n-Spell
• The Fed Interviews Jon Voight
• Letters to the Feditors
• Sam Jenning, or: Eating Children For Profit
• Immigrate This!
• Where In Our Hearts Is Carmen Sandiego?
• The Life and Times of Carmen Sandiego
• Redder Rabbit?
• Good Golly Fucking Gumdrops, I Like Candy!
• The City’s New Hot, Sexy, Superhot Nightclub!
• Where's Waldo?
• Logical Journey into Eugenics
• Think Columbia Sucks? It's Your Fault, Doofus.
• A Farewell to Harms
• A Farewell To Bill
• Tracy Briskit, Fed Queen
• Make Your Own Safe Space!
• Columbia Trail: Safe Space, Bathroom in 347 miles
• Cook with Barney!
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.8
• The Staff of Volume 21

Fed Readers,
    I want first to thank our outgoing seniors for their work on the paper these past few years.  They’ve set a fine example for the young people, myself included, to whom they’re leaving The Fed, and this new staff’s job is to do even better.
    To that end, we’re going to be tinkering constantly with the paper.  Do you remember mixing chemicals at random in your parents’ bathroom as a young child, convinced that the right combination of shaving cream, mouthwash, and nail clippings would form a potent explosive, or perhaps a cure for hiccups?  That’s more or less what we’ll be doing for the next year.
    The results, ideally, will be equally devoid of racially incendiary cartoons (see: Issue 19.5, “Blacky Fun Whitey.”)  That said, I should make clear up front that I don’t care for Ostrogoths.  Never have, never will.  Vikings, too.
    The differences between the old Fed and the new Fed will be subtle, coming down almost entirely to fewer exclamation points.  Over time, though, you should notice the effects.  This is much as you don’t notice that your seat’s heater has been activated by your car-mate until your loins have caught fire.
    The Fed, then, is your car-mate, and we’re going on a road trip.
            Cheers,
                 Kareem Shaya
                 Editor-in-chief

Re: 17.5, “A Porn Star is Born”
    Hi.  I was just curiouse [sic] on how you would get into the porn industry.  If someone could give me advice on where to begin, I would greatly appreciate it.
                 -Aisha

    I believe it was Groucho Marx who first said, “I don’t want to be in any porno film that would have me as an actor.”  This cute little turn of phrase was later popularized by Woody Allen in his seminal hardcore epic, Annie Hall.
    Of course, I mean to say by this that if you’ve painted eyebrows and a mustache onto your face with shoe polish, nobody will want to see you naked.  Otherwise, please send a box of audition tapes to the Fed offices for review.

Re: 17.5, “Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps”
    After reading your most enlightening of articles i have decided to  undertake the creation of my own religion. I am a student in England and the  idea of  tax exemption is most appealing, also i think i may enjoy the power and  glory  that comes from being the head of my own Religion. I have dubbed my  religion  as 'The Gamists.' We are a people who believe life is one huge cosmological game, and each of our actions are controlled by a player.… I know this may sound like a crazy idea but I have one word for you, Scientology. If that worked anything can. If you have any helpful ideas which could spur on my religion or just anyone moronic enough to join please contact me, my name is **** or Supreme Lord Geldard, depending upon your faith thank you.
    I find your beliefs interesting, but I would assert that the world is much more likely some kind of “Fantasy Football” phenomenon. After a long drafting process, everyone would get their starting lineup: three men, three women, two kids, a quadriplegic, and one wild card choice (Marduk always goes for the manatee. I don’t know why). Deities would then cheer them along on game day and keep a close eye on all the stats: CPY(Copulations per year), TAD(Times Avoided Death), and RBI(Runs Batted In (to hell)). Buddha would let out a mighty yell when Randy finally nailed Sandy (either normally or to a cross; both ways are good for points), and Thor would cry when little Mary got hit by a bus and had to be taken out for the season. That would certainly add a bit of spice to inter-deity relations. But Bob in accounting would still always win the office pool. Stupid Bob.

Re: 21.1, “Panicdotes”
Dear Panicdotes,
    I can't stand to not be friends with this girl who broke up with  me  (as in friendship)…. I don't   understand why she is embaressing me infront of everybody when  she  made stupid lies about me and I got in trouble cuz of her!!! I mean  isn't it too much?It is plain torture and I can't seem to  get along  with anyone else.I just tag along with anybody that  can play with  me.This "friend" has been paying some people to  hate me!!!… I  just want to be her friend even  is she treats me like dirt...What  should I do????I am having a  Big Panicdote right now!!!!!
            Yours waitingly,
                 Alexandra, 13 years-old

    If she’s paying people to hate you, do her one better: pay people to break her legs.  Unfortunately, this will put the situation on a path that ends with the death of either you or your erstwhile friend, mais c’est la guerre.  I believe in you.  If you put your mind to it, you’ll emerge victorious.
    This assumes that your foe is not in fact a grizzly bear or a tigress.  If she is, disregard what I’ve told you and change schools immediately.