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In This Issue

• Water On The Knee
• The Annihilator of Mathematics
• Demonic Speak-n-Spell
• The Fed Interviews Jon Voight
• Letters to the Feditors
• Sam Jenning, or: Eating Children For Profit
• Immigrate This!
• Where In Our Hearts Is Carmen Sandiego?
• The Life and Times of Carmen Sandiego
• Redder Rabbit?
• Good Golly Fucking Gumdrops, I Like Candy!
• The City’s New Hot, Sexy, Superhot Nightclub!
• Where's Waldo?
• Logical Journey into Eugenics
• Think Columbia Sucks? It's Your Fault, Doofus.
• A Farewell to Harms
• A Farewell To Bill
• Tracy Briskit, Fed Queen
• Make Your Own Safe Space!
• Columbia Trail: Safe Space, Bathroom in 347 miles
• Cook with Barney!
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.8
• The Staff of Volume 21

Point/Counterpoint: What are your thoughts and feelings about the immigration crisis that is currently plaguing America?

Esperanza Rodriguez, Maid, Atlanta, GA- I came to America from Mexico illegally, but I don’t think that people – myself included – who come to America looking for work are criminals. All I am trying to do is provide a better life for my family, what is criminal about that? Besides, immigrant labor is the backbone of this nation and you should be thanking us for doing the jobs that you don’t want to do rather than rounding us up and sending us back to Mexico. Si se puede! Si se puede!

Xtaleteco, Mayan High Priest, Teotihuacan, Mexico- Illegal immigrants are a horrible, apocalyptic blight on our nation. They sail here from far away lands pretending to be our gods and then ride through our villages on their dragons and kill us with their terrible thunder-sticks. They aren’t even looking for work, either! All those lazy Conquistadores do is shout at us about some guy named “Jesus Cristo” and give us sexually transmitted diseases. Why, I haven’t been able to ritually sacrifice a single Olmec and eat his still beating heart since those dirty immigrants showed up! Those Conquistadores need to go back to Conquistadoria real soon or else.

Thatchell Spitup, Unemployed Ditchdigger, Skoal, OK- Immigrants! I hate those dang gern immigrants! They come over here from countries like Mexico and, uh, Porto Ricko and, um, Guacamole, and they try to take jobs away from real, native Americans like me! What pisses me off the most about those illegal beaners is that they is refusing to know what how to speak English proper like! They’d rather just speak Mexican. If you ask me, its those illegal immigrants that are descended from monkeys not good, patriotic Americans like me, ‘cause we was created by Jesus himself, yes-sirree…

Donald, Central Park Duck, New York, NY- Immigrants? You think immigrants are bad, try migrants! This time every year, millions of those fucking Spanish-speaking southern birds fly up to Canada from their shit-hole, taco-stand homelands looking to do what everyone else does in Canada; drink underage, smoke pot and fuck like animals! I hear all of these Upper-East-siders complaining about how annoying Vinnie and Guido and the rest of the bridge-and-tunnel New Jersey trash can be. That’s bullshit. Try Atlantic flyway trash! They land in my pond, eat all the brine shrimp like they fucking own the place and then proceed to crap on all of the statues before I get a chance to! The only kind of solace that I get is that those dirty, lazy migrants only show up once a year and that most of them are going endangered or extinct.