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In This Issue

• Country of Cuba to be Bought and Renamed
• Frat Guy: Hot Bitches, Not Being Gay Crucial for Success in Next Four Years
• It's a Journal, Not a Diary
• Why Columbia Can't Stand Your Kind
• Magna Carma Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• How to Succeed in Lit Hum Without Really Trying
• (Taxonomy of) Hot College Coeds
• "Dear Mel"
• Class of 2010: Peer Profiles
• The Thinking Freshmen's Guide to Columbia's Libraries
• The Motorcycle Diaries
• Remembrance of Orientations Past
• A Brief Primer on the Basics of Columbia-Speak
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Facilitating Your Future Alcohol Addiction
• Orientalation
• An Illustrated Guide of the Columbia Hipster
• The Adventures of Ice-Bitch
• Points of Interest in Morningside Heights
• A Typical Night in McBain
• Portrait of A Loyal Member of Our Staff
• Get to Know The Fed’s Staff with Two Truths and a Lie

Michael Bredin

"Dude, she's totally engaging in classic courtship behavior."

Ah, college. We're finally free of our parents' unbearably sensible clutches, and you know what that means: seizing the nearest appendage - hopefully a hot one - for four years of frantic humping. It's easy for girls to get some here; flash an eighth of an inch of cleavage and suddenly it's Boner City (no relation to the unfortunately named township in northern Oklahoma).

For the boys, though, it's a bit more difficult. Women are beautiful, unique creatures, so I've lumped them into a few categories and rated how easily you can latch onto them and bone away for thirty sweaty, blissful seconds: 0 means you have no chance in hell, and 10 means you've won the vulva lottery.

Skankus Moronica

Though surrounded by things to do in New York, Skankus moronica spends her free time preening, watching Sex and the City, and drinking at frat parties; as though she were at a college surrounded by farmland, the Amish, or land mines. She will occasionally leave Morningside Heights, but only to purchase accessories at 300% markup and never north of 120th Street. Puddles of pink vomit in dorm elevators are almost always the doing of Skankus moronica.

If you, the average CU student, hold her hair while she pukes, she may accidentally touch you in her drunken stupor. This is the closest you'll ever get to her. How she got into this school is one of life's great mysteries, but the answer most likely involves copious blowjobs.

Bangability: If you are a celebrity, a member of a party frat, look really rich, have a European accent, or have no qualms about making roofie milkshakes, you have the vaginal Golden Ticket - a 10. If you're anyone else, -4.

Jewish Theological Sweeties

More likely than not, they're against casual sex... and you want to get it on with them. If you're looking for a girl like this for a fuck-buddy, take your right hand out to a nice dinner instead.

Bangability: When kosher pigs fly.

The Free Spirit, Man

You can't tame her, or her compulsive pot usage, you fascist. Seemingly conjoined at the mouth with a hookah, this girl will love you forever if you take her to a Middle Eastern restaurant and roll her joints for her. Republicans beware: she'll incessantly espouse her hatred for George Bush, and she will continue to do so for at least two years after he leaves office.

She is often found in her dorm room with a towel to block the smoke escaping from under her door, or crouched in a dark corner on Columbia's campus with her "totally authentic" Navajo bong that's, like, so primitive and stuff. If left unattended with her stash for too long, she may start to like tie-dyed shirts and Phish in an unironic way, and also to neglect basic hygiene. If this happens, run away screaming.

Bangability: If you like your ladies THC-laced and corpse-like in bed, being her weed hookup gets you at least a 7.5. Try to do her while she's clean and she won't think you're a beautiful child of the moon - 5, at best.

SEAS Girl (rare)

An elusive creature, postulated to resemble the unholy spawn of Chewbacca and Ernest Borgnine. Rarely spotted even in her home territory, the wild jungles of Mudd, SEAS Girl is similar to the average SEAS boy in temperament, but with OMG BOOBS and an obsessive love for Harry Potter slash. Woo her with comparisons of Final Fantasy end bosses (chances are, she prefers Sephiroth) and Mystery Science Theater 3000 references.

Try not to get into penis-compensation mode if she takes harder classes, has a higher GPA than you, and schools you in every video game you own while insulting you in binary or Elvish. Caution: before rejoicing in the triumph of finding a SEAS Girl, verify that she's in SEAS, as many BC and CC ladies share the same hobbies but prefer math or the biological sciences.

Bangability: 1, but only because most of SEAS Girls' suitors scream, "HEY, A GIRL, LET'S CYBER, LOL!" upon spotting her, even though this isn't the internet, you ass. If she's not really in SEAS, 3.

Girl from Another College

Wait, these exist? If you run into one, tell her you go to NYU. You're just visiting here... for four years.

Bangability: Your room downtown is being fumigated, and Columbia had extra space, plus they decided to let you make up some classes here because the commute would be too hard. If you can say that with a straight face, 6.