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In This Issue

• Country of Cuba to be Bought and Renamed
• Frat Guy: Hot Bitches, Not Being Gay Crucial for Success in Next Four Years
• It's a Journal, Not a Diary
• Why Columbia Can't Stand Your Kind
• Magna Carma Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• How to Succeed in Lit Hum Without Really Trying
• (Taxonomy of) Hot College Coeds
• "Dear Mel"
• Class of 2010: Peer Profiles
• The Thinking Freshmen's Guide to Columbia's Libraries
• The Motorcycle Diaries
• Remembrance of Orientations Past
• A Brief Primer on the Basics of Columbia-Speak
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Facilitating Your Future Alcohol Addiction
• Orientalation
• An Illustrated Guide of the Columbia Hipster
• The Adventures of Ice-Bitch
• Points of Interest in Morningside Heights
• A Typical Night in McBain
• Portrait of A Loyal Member of Our Staff
• Get to Know The Fed’s Staff with Two Truths and a Lie

Matt Holden

Controversy (n): Anything about which anyone is upset. Therefore, everything is a controversy, whether it results in student protests and administrative action, or mild discomfort in the men’s room on the 6th floor of Furnald. And if the 6th floor of Furnald still smells the next day, do you know what that is? Yep, controversy.

Expansion (n): See Gentrification.

Gentrification (n): When white people move into a neighborhood. See Controversy.

Intimidation (n): When a professor says something with which you disagree. See Academic Freedom.

Academic Freedom (n): Your professor’s right to say things with which you disagree.

Grievance (n): A university-supported method of recourse against professors who say things with which you disagree. Considerably less effective and satisfying than giving said professor a wedgie.

Ad Hoc (adj): Latin term meaning “Hey look over there!”

Core (adj): Refers to a relic of the days when a working knowledge of classics and medieval philosophy was somehow important in the real world.

Greek (adj): Of or having to do with any of a number of selective societies where participants are abnormally socialized in gender-restricted environments that promote objectification of the self and others. Can also indicate presence of souvlaki.

Student Government (proper n): An extension of the university’s interests disguised as your peers.

Activities Board at Columbia (proper n) : An extension of the university’s interests disguised as your peers.

Student Development and Activities (proper n): An extension of the university’s interests (undisguised).

Lee C. Bollinger (person): A human smokescreen. See Ad Hoc.

Judith Shapiro (person): An extension of the university’s interests disguised as the president of Barnard.

Engineer (n): The butt of a joke.

Engineer (v): To construct a bong out of a soda bottle and a couple toilet paper rolls.

Advise (v): To not help.

New Student Orientation Program (n): How older students figure out the sexual orientation of new students.

Morningside Heights (place): Where you live.

Harlem (place): Where you say you live.

Columbia University (proper n): Where you go to school.

Uptown (place): Where you say you go to school in order to avoid looking and sounding naïve, sheltered, or privileged.

Privilege (n): A bad thing.

Privileged (adj): You.