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In This Issue

• Country of Cuba to be Bought and Renamed
• Frat Guy: Hot Bitches, Not Being Gay Crucial for Success in Next Four Years
• It's a Journal, Not a Diary
• Why Columbia Can't Stand Your Kind
• Magna Carma Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• How to Succeed in Lit Hum Without Really Trying
• (Taxonomy of) Hot College Coeds
• "Dear Mel"
• Class of 2010: Peer Profiles
• The Thinking Freshmen's Guide to Columbia's Libraries
• The Motorcycle Diaries
• Remembrance of Orientations Past
• A Brief Primer on the Basics of Columbia-Speak
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Facilitating Your Future Alcohol Addiction
• Orientalation
• An Illustrated Guide of the Columbia Hipster
• The Adventures of Ice-Bitch
• Points of Interest in Morningside Heights
• A Typical Night in McBain
• Portrait of A Loyal Member of Our Staff
• Get to Know The Fed’s Staff with Two Truths and a Lie

Kimi Traube

"Drag yourself down here for a sangria fix"

Cuban government officials announced yesterday that the country would soon be changing hands.

"It's been around for a while, and we understand that many people have quite an attachment to the country in its current incarnation," said new owner Allen Ginsberg, CC '49. "We want to keep some of the old feel of Cuba while infusing it with a hipper, more student-friendly vibe."

Cuba originally gained its independence in 1902 shortly after a war between the United States and Spain that was critically lauded as both "splendid" and "little." The country achieved prominence, however, some half a century later when Fidel Castro became Cuba's Prime Minister in February 1959.

"1959," Castro explained in a phone interview, "was the beginning of Cuba's fame as an intellectual hangout. One of my closest advisors, Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, was widely praised as one of the greatest political thinkers of his time and still looks ravishing on shirts. Che's popularity helped make Cuba well-known as a place where intellectuals can go to have a terrible burger and some tepid horchata."

Some patrons of Cuba in years past are upset, citing the staying power that Cuba has had over the years and the memories of the great times they had there.

"The Bay of Pigs invasion, that was a good one," mused Arturo Sanchez. "That was the kind of day that made you feel happy to be a part of Cuba."

"I remember it well," Sanchez said, "All these planes overhead, and then this stupid exile comes up to me and asks me to revolt against our own country. Haha! Good one, Nacho! I put my cigar out in his face, slapped him around, and told him to go back to America and pretend this never happened."

1962's Missile Crisis also stirs memories in the country. "Oh, that one was even better," remembered Sanchez, "but it sure as hell wasn't much of a crisis. Cuba was still a pretty mellow place back then. If it was as rowdy then as it is now, I don't doubt that we would've missiled the crap out of those damn Americans."

Sanchez's comment about the rowdiness of Cuba is in reference to a fight there several months ago, wherein a patron was thrown through a window in nearby country Jamaica.

On some of the more recent memories of Cuba, Elian Gonzales was unavailable for comment.

Ginsberg explained his plans for redesigning Cuba. "We're still going to leave all of the classic Cuban fare on the country's menu. We're just going to expand it to cover some new areas that Cuba hasn't covered before." The country's name will be changed to "The West End," and, according to Ginsberg, its new motto (formerly "patria y libertad," meaning "homeland and freedom") will be "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by our new drink specials!"

Among the new drink specials will be a five-dollar "Moloch Cocktail" and the opportunity to order drinks "with you on the Rockland." Ginsberg explained that the latter will be served over ice cubes containing doses of LSD.

In response to criticism that entire countries do not generally and effectively cannot have menus or drink specials, Ginsberg replied, "Fuck you." He also denied rumors that he died in 1997.