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In This Issue

• Country of Cuba to be Bought and Renamed
• Frat Guy: Hot Bitches, Not Being Gay Crucial for Success in Next Four Years
• It's a Journal, Not a Diary
• Why Columbia Can't Stand Your Kind
• Magna Carma Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• How to Succeed in Lit Hum Without Really Trying
• (Taxonomy of) Hot College Coeds
• "Dear Mel"
• Class of 2010: Peer Profiles
• The Thinking Freshmen's Guide to Columbia's Libraries
• The Motorcycle Diaries
• Remembrance of Orientations Past
• A Brief Primer on the Basics of Columbia-Speak
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Facilitating Your Future Alcohol Addiction
• Orientalation
• An Illustrated Guide of the Columbia Hipster
• The Adventures of Ice-Bitch
• Points of Interest in Morningside Heights
• A Typical Night in McBain
• Portrait of A Loyal Member of Our Staff
• Get to Know The Fed’s Staff with Two Truths and a Lie

Addison Anderson, Submissions Editor

1. Addison Anderson’s silky smooth skin is the result of hours of daily buffing.

2. Addison Anderson’s skin is so abrasive that it can be used to strip paint from a house.

3. Addison Anderson suffers from an irrational fear that he will refill his car’s gas tank too early every time and thus never use all of the gas that he paid for.

A: 3 is the lie. That fear is very rational.

Hannah Rose Baker, Submissions Editor

1. Hannah Rose Baker had her middle name replace with a flower in a 2001 surgery.

2. Hannah Rose Baker cannot, in good faith, recommend Campbell’s tomato soup.

3. Hannah Rose Baker is not a cry that you hear at night, but a cold and broken hallelujah.

A: 3 is the lie: Hannah is, in fact, a cry that you hear at night.

Mike Bredin, Graphics Editor

1. Michael Bredin’s cartoons and drawings comprise several hundred-billion miles of pen strokes.

2. Michael Bredin uses an ear trumpet.

3. Michael Bredin will put a boot in your ass (it’s the American way).

A: 3 is the lie. It’s the Irish way.

Chas Carey, E-board & Layout Editor

1. Chas Carey is not now nor has he never been a member of the Communist Party.

2. Chas Carey once lived in Antwerp for three hours.

3. Chas Carey has a trick knee but it always guesses my card wrong anyway.

A: 1 is the lie, and I have the laundry list to prove it!

Marissa Edelman, Associate Board & Copy Editor

1. Marissa Edelman used a mask and her musical talents to convince the world that Johnny Cash existed.

2. Marissa Edelman was almost fired from The Fed when she killed five new recruits.

3. Marissa Edelman knows kung-fu.

A: 2 is the lie. The incident actually landed her a promotion.

Michael Grinspan, Submissions Editor

1. Michael Grinspan is a narc.

2. Michael Grinspan was a narc.

3. Michael Grinspan saw Narc.

A: 2 is the lie. Through a loophole in the laws of space-time, Michael Grinspan is always a narc in the present, but never in the past.

Sophie Litschwartz, Associate Board

1. Sophie Litschwartz makes immoral use of her X-ray vision.

2. Sophie Litschwartz is running a petition to repeal laws criminalizing embezzlement.

3. Sophie Litschwartz coined the term “the bee’s knees.”

A: 3 is the lie. She coined a competing phrase, “the cat’s meow.”

Arnold Park, Associate Board & Webmaster

1. Arnold Park can count to twenty without using either his fingers or his toes.

2. Arnold Park is filled with secrets.

3. Arnold Park is worth six of any ordinary man.

A: 2 is the lie. Arnold, like most of us, is filled with organic matter.

Jamie Peck, Head Submissions Editor

1. Jamie Peck once mistook a Hydrox cookie for an Oreo.

2. Jamie Peck wets her toothbrush with the blood of innocents.

3. Jamie Peck once starred in a pilot for a never-picked-up TV show named “Bert McCervix Teaches Kids Arson.”

A: 3 is the lie. The show was picked up, but recast, rewritten, and aired as The Cosby Show.

Steph Quan, Associate Board & Secretary

1. Steph Quan is the benevolent dictator of Benin.

2. Steph Quan has forgotten more than the sum total of humanity’s knowledge.

3. Steph Quan is a popular brand of ibuprofen through most of Europe.

A: 1 is the lie. Steph Quan is an irascible tyrant.

Kareem Shaya, Editor in Chief

1. Kareem Shaya’s favorite flavor of Runt is banana.

2. Kareem Shaya uses a Mach 3 Razor.

3. Kareem Shaya can run at Mach 3.

A: 2 is the lie.  Due to its smoothness on his sensitive skin and its “sweet name,” Kareem prefers the German-made Merkur Hefty Classic.

Russ Spitzer, Publisher

1. Russ Spitzer is related to New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, but by marriage, not blood.

2. Russ Spitzer’s feet are so big that he wears size 24 shoes.

3. Russ Spitzer’s feet are so small that no known measuring equipment can even detect them.

A: 1 is the lie. Russ is related to Eliot Spitzer by blood and is also married to him.

Kimi Traube, Submissions Editor

1. Kimi Traube will not play a game without her Ginsana.

2. Kimi Traube has a very serious, compulsive addiction to joining Facebook groups with “anonymous” in the group name.

3. Kimi Traube was arrested in 2003 for disorderly conduct when she loudly implored a police officer to “Smell My Gak.”

A: 1 is the lie. You are thinking of Scottie Pippen.

Rob Trump, Submissions Editor

1. Rob Trump fathered The Donald.

2. Rob Trump has never met a parakeet he didn’t like.

3. Rob Trump is widely believed to be the author of two Gnostic Gospels.

A: 2 is the lie. Rob Trump has done time on animal cruelty charges.

(Note to prospective employers: Kimi was never arrested. She was technically detained.)

(Note for those of you who don't get it: They're all lies! Horrible horrible lies! We're not even using our real names!)