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In This Issue

• Country of Cuba to be Bought and Renamed
• Frat Guy: Hot Bitches, Not Being Gay Crucial for Success in Next Four Years
• It's a Journal, Not a Diary
• Why Columbia Can't Stand Your Kind
• Magna Carma Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• How to Succeed in Lit Hum Without Really Trying
• (Taxonomy of) Hot College Coeds
• "Dear Mel"
• Class of 2010: Peer Profiles
• The Thinking Freshmen's Guide to Columbia's Libraries
• The Motorcycle Diaries
• Remembrance of Orientations Past
• A Brief Primer on the Basics of Columbia-Speak
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Facilitating Your Future Alcohol Addiction
• Orientalation
• An Illustrated Guide of the Columbia Hipster
• The Adventures of Ice-Bitch
• Points of Interest in Morningside Heights
• A Typical Night in McBain
• Portrait of A Loyal Member of Our Staff
• Get to Know The Fed’s Staff with Two Truths and a Lie

Shaina Rubin

"Yarmulke - now there's a dumb spelling."

Have questions about your new life as a Columbia student? Well here at the Fed we are lucky enough to have Academy Award winner Mel Gibson as our college orientation specialist. If you have any questions at all, from buying meal plans to fixing broken radiator, Mel can answer it is in his trademark awe-inspiring, thrill-inducing, edge-of-you-seat way.

Dear Mel Gibson,

I’ve never spent so much time away from home and I am finding it hard to cope. All of these people and places are se new and I feel very alone. What should I do? - Lonely Soul

Dear Lonely Soul,

Coming to a new place with new people is always difficult. It is a scary thing to pick up your life and move half way across the country to a city as noisy, bustling, and, frankly, alienating as New York, but you can rest assured that most of your peers in the class of ’10 are just as lonely and confused as you are.

Except your Jewish classmates. Before coming to Columbia, all of the Jews get together on South Lawn in August and have a big party where they meet over chalices of blood to discuss fabricating the Holocaust. Then, as a community building exercise, they go over to St. John the Divine and destroy all of the new Christian construction with their Jewish sledgehammers, a tradition that has stretched out the construction of the only church in the neighborhood for over 100 years. At the close of this orgy, the Jews return to South Lawn and take an oath to exclude and ostracize all non-Jewish Columbians, after which they hop into their war-planes, fly to Lebanon, and blow up U.N.-run day-care centers.

The Jews’ bloody killing-sprees bring them closer together while tearing all of the other Columbians, including you Lonely Soul, apart.

Dear Mel Gibson,

I heard that Barnard cafeteria has great food. As a Columbia student, can I eat there under my meal plan? - Looking For Some Dinner

Dear L.F.S.D.,

It is true that Barnard cafeteria has some great food and, yes, you can eat there under your current Columbia meal plan, but I wouldn’t advise it. While Barnard offers good food and a generally pleasant dining area, it is also home to the main “kosher” cafeteria on campus. Oy vey indeed. This so-called “kosher” food station (what does Kosher mean, anyway, blood-covered?) is a hot bed of Zionist activity, Zionist activity that starts all of the world’s wars! If you can get past the noxious odor of death, greed, and Nasonex that these Jews produce, then sitting in the Barnard cafeteria isn’t so terrible, but why risk eternal damnation for a stir-fry bar?

Moreover, Jews are notorious for eating raw meat, which is actually legal tender in America’s motion picture and legal industries, so it is entirely possible that the Barnard cafeteria staff doesn’t cook our Christian food either. So can you eat at Barnard cafeteria? Yes. Should you? No.

Dear Mel Gibson,

I heard that Columbia used to be called “King’s College”. When and why did they change the name? - Future History Major

Dear Future History Major,

The institution we now know as Columbia changed its name from King’s College back in 1948 (gee, I wonder why), because as any English major can tell you “Columbia” is an anagram for “Israel”. That is why I prefer to call this institution either “The Institution Formerly Known as King’s College” or, if that is too long to say, I just use this symbol that I made up: . You’d think the other Ivies would be free from this Semitic oppression, but they are not; Yale’s motto is written in Hebrew, Penn has a Jewish president, and at Harvard the university president doesn’t think women can excel at math or science. And I can’t support bigotry.