Looking for new writers and graphic designers!

Come to our meetings every Sunday night at 8:30pm 5th floor of Lerner (near the student government office).
All are welcome.

Buy a T-Shirt

Do you love animals? Or sodomy? Then buy a Fed T-shirt!

About Us

We have a long and storied history. Learn more about us...

Dawn of a New Age
Issue 22.0: Orientation
Posted: August 2006

Remembrance of Orientations Past

Kareem Shaya

Ria Mar-Fan

Forty memories you’ll one day have of Orientation Week:

1. Losing control of a moving bin on the hill outside Lerner

2. Glimpsing for the first time the sterile walls of dorm life

3. Noticing the surprising, sad ubiquity of your Linens and Things lamp and rug

4. Seeing people’s lax attitudes about leaving laptops unattended

5. Being impressed and awed by the vapidity of late-night dorm conversations

6. Knowing that folks want to like you as much as you want to like them

7. Doing nothing useful with that knowledge

8. Coming to grips with the concept that for the next nine months, other people will be party to the auditory and olfactory details of your defecation

9. Cursing those who refer to a shop 15 blocks away as “really close”

10. Feeling that sleeping until 4 PM is acceptable and, occasionally, encouraged

11. Realizing that many of your peers hadn’t had to make friends in a long time either

12. Marveling at the idiocy imposed on the floor lounge by some people’s channel selections

13. Watching how quickly the floor lounge ceased to be a primary hangout

14. Wondering about the cross-pollenation of friends between floors in the dorms

15. Subjecting yourself to insufferable hipster movies at the urging of well-intentioned hipster floormates

16. Avoiding appearing ignorant of building names and locations

17. Getting lost in Lerner and commenting on the inane floor numbering to the person in the elevator with you

18. Attending too few orientation events

19. Causing some new friends to spend a lot more than they were expecting during a ham-fisted effort at a night out downtown

20. Failing to realize that your Orientation Leader was just a sophomore

21. Ascribing to your Orientation Leader far too much wisdom

22. Cultivating an ever-deepening aversion to the outer boroughs, born mostly of sloth

23. Laughing at the idea of someone vomiting in an elevator

24. Ceasing to think that vomit on the floor of a small, enclosed space is in any way funny or acceptable

25. Drifting quickly away from the friends made in the first two days of orientation

26. Making new friends as others did the same

27. Learning that the reason you saw certain strangers every day is that they lived on your floor

28. Commiserating about John Jay’s food as if that were an original topic of conversation

29. Discovering the uselessness of asking whether classmates were in CC or SEAS

30. Hoping that the class-wide Lit Hum lecture wouldn’t be one where the professor calls on people at random

31. Thinking that orientation was too long

32. Walking accidentally into the suite next to yours in Carman

33. Noting carefully the shower schedules of the hot girls in the suite next to yours in Carman

34. Envying seniors for reasons that you can’t quite figure out

35. Sleeping through your sweet 9:10 AM registration time

36. Checking SSOL and learning that all of your class choices have filled up

37. Signing up for Elementary Yiddish

38. Hearing rumors about Frontiers of Science

39. Developing highly negative (and largely baseless) expectations for Frontiers of Science

40. Starting college for real after a week of nothing in particular