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In This Issue

• Country of Cuba to be Bought and Renamed
• Frat Guy: Hot Bitches, Not Being Gay Crucial for Success in Next Four Years
• It's a Journal, Not a Diary
• Why Columbia Can't Stand Your Kind
• Magna Carma Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• How to Succeed in Lit Hum Without Really Trying
• (Taxonomy of) Hot College Coeds
• "Dear Mel"
• Class of 2010: Peer Profiles
• The Thinking Freshmen's Guide to Columbia's Libraries
• The Motorcycle Diaries
• Remembrance of Orientations Past
• A Brief Primer on the Basics of Columbia-Speak
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Facilitating Your Future Alcohol Addiction
• Orientalation
• An Illustrated Guide of the Columbia Hipster
• The Adventures of Ice-Bitch
• Points of Interest in Morningside Heights
• A Typical Night in McBain
• Portrait of A Loyal Member of Our Staff
• Get to Know The Fed’s Staff with Two Truths and a Lie

"Oh, him? Don't worry, he slips on lube all the time."

Point: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There

- John Pendleton, Carman 1207B

I’ve tried. Really, I have. He seemed like a nice guy when I first met him. He was reasonable, laid-back. I later learned that he was just laid-back at the time because he was high, but that’s not really bad, because he’s high all the time anyway. Our RA gave us those dumb roommate contract forms. Whatever, didn’t matter to me. We both left them blank – I now realize this was a mistake – and turned them back in to the RA, who didn’t notice.

It was a little annoying during the first half of orientation week, I guess, but it didn’t bother me that much at the time to sleep outside of our room a couple nights a week. He said he’d do the same for me if I ever got laid, so I was alright with it. But by the second half of orientation week, he had a girlfriend, some Barnard slut he met at CUnity. I started getting sexiled every single night. Eventually, I had to tell him that they had to take it elsewhere, because I needed a good night’s sleep to get up for fun things like walking tours.

It didn’t work. He was still fucking in my room all night, every night. It wasn’t even always that one girl. Sometimes it was others; sometimes it was two or three. Once he was nailing this other chick while his friend was in my bed fucking my roommate’s girlfriend. I told them all they had to leave because I was going to bed. They ended up pushing the beds together while I was asleep and having an orgy on top of me.

I’m writing this mostly to you, Sam. I really think we can still work things out and be great roommates. We got along so well for those first few hours. Just try to be reasonable and see where I’m coming from here. I need to sleep peacefully in my bed.

Counter-point: Oh Yeah, Baby, Give it to Me!

- Sam Lister, Carman 1207B

Oh, yeah, just like that, that’s it, baby, that’s it. Oh, keep going, just like that, just like that. Oh, God, I want you. I want you right now. Take off your top. Yeah, like that, just like that. Now, oh God, what are you doing? Stop that, stop that! That’s my… oh, God, keep doing that, never mind what I said, keep doing that! Oh yeah, get on top of me. Ignore my roommate, he doesn’t really mind. Really, he’s cool, don’t worry about him. No, for God’s sake, he doesn’t want to join us! Just ignore him!

Oh, that’s good. Now my turn. No, no, we don’t need to take this to your room. Yes, I understand you have a single, and that it’s really close, practically right across the hall. No, no, don’t worry, he doesn’t mind. We signed this roommate contract thing at the start of the year where he said that he didn’t mind this. Oh right, you’d know that since you’re our RA. Never mind. You didn’t actually look at those, did you? Okay, good, never mind, let’s keep going. Oh, yeah, baby!

Hey, how do you feel about a threesome? No, no, not with that louse Pendleton. Trust me, it’s more like Pindleton. A friend of mine from Barnard is coming over and… you don’t do that? Why not? Come on, she’s hot. Is she my girlfriend? Well no, no, not really, just… never mind. We’ll see what happens when she shows up. Here, have some more tequila.

Oh, yeah, keep doing that. Oh, with your thumb, that’s so good. Hey, here she is! Hey babe, how’s it going, this is my… ow! What the hell? You must be drunk to slap me, you crazy bitch! Get over here, let’s get this party really started! No, no, really, my roommate doesn’t mind. He’s asleep! Look at him! Yeah, don’t worry, he sleeps with his eyes open, staring at me in anger. Really, he’s always like that. Yeah, and sometimes he types on his computer in his sleep, too. That’s normal. Get over here!

Yeah, both of you, give it to me!