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In This Issue

• Latvia, Land of Style and Lip-Hair, Too
• Liquids Banned
• Coke: Who Snorts What
• Hate for the Hate Squad
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part I
• Al Franken Talks, Frankly
• Eggs Run with Claims of Cracker Nazis
• A Spears-Federline Manifesto
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• Hairless Man
• University to Fund Loan Elimination by Selling Drugs
• Proclamations from the Desk of Most Glorious Marshal Lee Bollinger
• Poland Ruined Everything
• Prez-Bo
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part II
• Da Vinci Code Confirms Church Can't Tell Fiction From Non-Fiction
• On My Early Fame
• Able to Fuck My Anus in a Single Pound
• THEY WATCH

Kimi Traube

"Eggs heil!"

Controversy has hit Columbia University yet again. The discovery of racist and homophobic images formed in a spoonful of scramble eggs in John Jay Dining Hall has sent shockwaves through the community. Staff and students were quietly ushered out of brunch last Tuesday when the nature of the image was revealed. Two plates of crackers taped together covered in writing-nothing more than a cholesterollic representation of last semester's Nazi cracker incident.

Its discoverer, Brendan Luker CC '09 gave us an exclusive look at the scrambled eggs, currently sealed and frozen in a clear plastic sandwich bag. "The message from this single incident totally represents the outlook of the entire campus community-which is a racist one," he stated. Responding to the incident, the administration has called for a whole new kind of "safe space" on campus.

In cyberspace, the Bwog is in an uproar as readers report copycat incidents. "Yo, I was havin breakfast in Mudd and I went to grab a piece of toast," posts LizzieP, "I take it out and it looks kinda funny-the burn marks totally look like a plate of Nazi crackers!!" Although most of these copycat incidents were mysteriously reported by Bwog staff members themselves, the editors guarantee authenticity, reminding us, "Nobody would even know about the Nazi crackers if it weren't for us." When questioned, original scrambled egg discoverer Luker also denied claims of fabrication, stating "It's pretty obvious there was racist intent here, and what way to convey it is  more sinister than through catering?" He also denied reports he was trying to sell the scrambled eggs to white supremacists on eBay.

Meanwhile, Chris Kulawik CC '08 and the Columbia College Conservative Club announced they would be holding a weekly brunch on college walk, where they would be selling both scrambled eggs and crackers. Echoing their recent sunbathe contesting global warming, as well their anti-affirmative action bake sale, Kulawik said, "It just seemed like the natural thing to do." Asked about the size of their current staff relative to the number of actual conservatives on campus, Kulawik replied, "My views are totally oppressed here on campus. Day by day I suffer for my unpopular beliefs which don't get the attention they deserve." He also mentioned his next Spectator column  will explain the role of eggs in a balanced diet.

"This is a complete outrage," said social activist Patricia Longfellow CC '08, "The appearance of these offensive images is further proof the administration doesn't give a shit about us." Asked who she blamed, she said, "It all leads back to one group, one posse, one band of racists who have been out to get me since I arrived here-The Fed.  I don't care that I didn't attend this college during the whole cartoon thing, I don't care that most of the Fed staff wasn't around for it either.  I'll be damned if it's not gonna get mentioned every time something like this happens. Humor on campus? Who the fuck needs that anyway? Let's not go overboard here."