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In This Issue

• Latvia, Land of Style and Lip-Hair, Too
• Liquids Banned
• Coke: Who Snorts What
• Hate for the Hate Squad
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part I
• Al Franken Talks, Frankly
• Eggs Run with Claims of Cracker Nazis
• A Spears-Federline Manifesto
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• Hairless Man
• University to Fund Loan Elimination by Selling Drugs
• Proclamations from the Desk of Most Glorious Marshal Lee Bollinger
• Poland Ruined Everything
• Prez-Bo
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part II
• Da Vinci Code Confirms Church Can't Tell Fiction From Non-Fiction
• On My Early Fame
• Able to Fuck My Anus in a Single Pound
• THEY WATCH

Rachel Katz

It's tough being the child of a famous person. Everyone knows your name and your face, they watch your every move, and they see every pound you lose or gain even before you do! Sure, the attention and special treatment are nice perks,  but sometimes I'd love to be able to walk through a crowd unknown and unnoticed. After all, I didn't ask for my mom to be PTA president!

Everybody thinks it must be really glamorous for the PTA president to be your mom; and that she can get you any teachers you want and make all of your PE absences disappear. And I know everyone was a little suspicious when the correction of what was honestly a simple transcription error resulted in  all of my grades going up  ten points. Really, I was just getting the grades I earned but that those cretins they employ as teachers failed to give me. Honestly, though, the only major perk I get from having my mom as PTA president is that she sometimes brings home leftover cookies from the meetings. I'll tell you, after they get done making the sloppy joes for the inner-city kids to eat for lunch, that cafeteria whips out an awesome white chocolate macadamia nut treat!

What I really find hard to bear about having such a well-known mom is the day-to-day scrutiny I live under.  I mean, I was practically a social pariah last year after the Mrs. Johnson brownie-bribe scandal. She was just making a friendly gesture, the weekly brownie deliveries had nothing to do with her being appointed PTA treasurer for the next five years. But the press just loves scandal! The school  newspaper (run by Kelly ‘Fartface' McLean, who's had it in for me ever since my parents sued her parents when she broke my cell phone) could NOT let it drop. It hurts to see your family name slandered so undeservedly. You wouldn't believe how much we had to bribe the assistant principal to start spreading a rumor that Ms. Jones (Geography, 10th grade) is totally lesbian with Mr. Schultz (English, 12th grade.) Although, seriously, those two are SO gay together. And then after being so mean, people will turn right around and try to use you for your connections. I couldn't believe it when Joanna Epstein thought she could ask Mom to get the principal to excuse her for Yom Kippur just because we were in the same history class. I mean its not our fault Joanna follows some weirdo non-mainstream religion. If you excuse one person, where are you going to draw the line?

Sometimes, when I talk to ordinary, normal people, I get the impression that they think I'm some kind of a freak, that nothing my family does is normal. They act as if the principal comes to our house for dinner like every night, but my family life is just like yours. We eat dinner together every night, just like regular people. Maybe sometimes some of the other PTA officials are there, but to me they're just normal people.  They like my mom's baked chicken and they spill their drinks, just like anyone else might. They haven't let fame go to their heads or anything like that and neither has my family. We're just a bunch of everyday folks who happen to have a celebrity in the family.