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In This Issue

• Latvia, Land of Style and Lip-Hair, Too
• Liquids Banned
• Coke: Who Snorts What
• Hate for the Hate Squad
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part I
• Al Franken Talks, Frankly
• Eggs Run with Claims of Cracker Nazis
• A Spears-Federline Manifesto
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• Hairless Man
• University to Fund Loan Elimination by Selling Drugs
• Proclamations from the Desk of Most Glorious Marshal Lee Bollinger
• Poland Ruined Everything
• Prez-Bo
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part II
• Da Vinci Code Confirms Church Can't Tell Fiction From Non-Fiction
• On My Early Fame
• Able to Fuck My Anus in a Single Pound
• THEY WATCH

Stephanie Quan

When times got hard, little Lee was forced to choose.

 In an unorthodox move for an Ivy League university, President Bollinger announced today that Columbia will use eBay and drug sales to fund the just-announced full-ride financial aid for students from families making less than $50,000 a year.  With a starting bid of one million dollars, or a "Buy It Now" bid that binds the purchaser to exterminate all Manhattanville residents, next year's applicants to the University will be able to bid on admission to any schools at Columbia.  Bidders for admission to the School of Engineering & Applied Science will also undergo compatibility testing through a grueling gauntlet of World of Warcraft, Magic, and Dungeons & Dragons tournaments, ending with a grueling no-shower holdout contest.  

More shockingly, sales of marijuana and cocaine will also help fund aid packages.  The University is pushing the idea that marijuana is in fact a plant smoked by rock stars and other members of the jet set and counterculture.  "Look, you know it and I know it... you know it and I know it, and that is all I'm going to say.... Here's my card," stated a nonchalant President Bollinger while leaning on a garbage can filled with hundred-dollar bills and bundles of marijuana.  Later, asked about hiccups in order fulfillment, Bollinger shot back, "Hey, look, our boy is making runs ‘til 2AM.  And he has swipe access!  What the fuck more do you want?  I'll admit its been slow this week, cause ‘Eightball' Quigley took a wad of benjamins and a key of blow to the head during our last money fight, but we'll be in full swing for midterms."

A toe tapping, fidgety "Eightball" Quigley chimed in on the practicality of the matter.  "That shit they sling in the dorms has been stepped on more times than ‘Smack Attack' Murphy's rep.  I've seen less pinching at a Conversio meeting. Sweet'N Low is free at Starbucks, muthafuckas.  Quite frankly, we wanted to do this for the kids, but after the four-billion dollar fundraising itinerary ‘Twenty-sack' Bollinger gave me, who has time to eat or drop the kids off at the pool?  Do you have any idea how much faster you give speeches on nose candy?  I've got to run to a meeting.  How do I look?  I don't have any drool running down my face do I?  Alright, rock and roll, baby.  Solid, solid gold.  Hey, if you haven't started thinking about what you're doing this summer, take a look at our new study abroad/mule options in Bolivia and Afghanistan.  Here, take a brochure... and a balloon.  If you like what you read, Monday night, pier thirteen - be smoking a cigarette."

Faculty enthusiasm for the program has been higher than for any other initiative in recent history.  Tables have been set up around campus as part of the drive, called "The First One's Free."  Administration officials are staffing them, offering free samples to passers-by.  A boisterous Dianne "Smack Attack" Murphy was heard offering encouragement to a wide-eyed freshman: "Triple line rally! Triple line rally, bitch!  Snort that shit.  Come on, don't be a pussy!"  Questioned about how this will affect athletic teams' performance, she let out a whooping yell of, "Snowboard team three, hockey team zeeeerrroooowww.  Pencil thick and card long - that's the way we roll along!"

Not everyone, however, has been as pleased with the program.  "Doesn't this go totally against the whole point of financial aid reform?  And we're talking shit about Harvard?" questioned a sober Columbia College junior.  Surprisingly, Harvard is helping to fund Columbia's aid program.  Legacy Harvard Class of 2011 shoo-in Jed Parkinson stated that he bought a CC admission with which to wipe his ass on the drive from north Jersey to Cambridge.  "It was an impulse buy, I admit, but who wants to waste time applying to a safety school?"

Not surprisingly, Columbia's bureaucracy has played an integral role in the sweeping developments.  Merely an hour after word of the funding initiative first spread, a small ceremony was held on Low Plaza to commemorate the ground breaking for the Center for the Surreptitious Production of Class X Felony Narcotics, followed one news cycle later by the ground breaking for the Center for the Surreptitious Production of Centers.  After this publication's reporting on the matter, these were followed minutes ago by the ground breaking for the Center for the Surreptitious Extermination of the Fe-jkasd;oiiiwihoggnklnkfgajklkasggsjklkjfan xanbv;a lkkjljasddgfjklsddfkdskjfd kjkfdsk....