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In This Issue

• Latvia, Land of Style and Lip-Hair, Too
• Liquids Banned
• Coke: Who Snorts What
• Hate for the Hate Squad
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part I
• Al Franken Talks, Frankly
• Eggs Run with Claims of Cracker Nazis
• A Spears-Federline Manifesto
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• Hairless Man
• University to Fund Loan Elimination by Selling Drugs
• Proclamations from the Desk of Most Glorious Marshal Lee Bollinger
• Poland Ruined Everything
• Prez-Bo
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part II
• Da Vinci Code Confirms Church Can't Tell Fiction From Non-Fiction
• On My Early Fame
• Able to Fuck My Anus in a Single Pound
• THEY WATCH

Andres Vedova

Hello. My name Anyos Alexovits.  I from Bratislava. I live there with family, wife Kranyla and boy Majima.  I decide to write journal to give idea of life of person like me.  I not ordinary here in great Slovakia.  I love country, I bleed for country in war against Czech Republic... if we have war.  But I not like everyone else.  I not have hair.  No, no, I not bald and shiny like American commercial character Mr. Clean.  But arms, chest, leg, and especially back, smooth as my nephew Mojmir's bottom.  He 28 year old.  He live in Miami Beach in American state of Florida.  He live with roommate, name is Julio.  He smoother than Mojmir! They very friendly. With each other. I have tough time with men in my country.

You will see why.

October 5

Work today.  I like very much work.  Smelting fun to do all day long.  My uniform hide my hairless body, under long jumpsuit I think is called.  All my friends are from job.  Fun guys, but they not know of my condition.  They make joke a lot about hairless men.  They have call special names for them. Shaved cat, shaved dog, shaved goat, shaved monkey... Okay, maybe they not as clever as I think.  I forced to go along with them and make funny, even though I am like "shaved kitten."  Sixteen hours of smelting, and I go. 

October 6

Majima come home from school today sad.  I ask, "Why? Did you not like field trip to local petrol plant?"  He say that other children make fun and say his father is man with no hair.  I sigh and try make him feel better.

Majima lucky, he already have thick body hair.  12 year old and already he have more hair than grandfather.  Grandfather is very proud.  Other children jealous.  They try razor on him one time when he fall asleep on bus.  Majima kick shit out of them.  Shit all over bus.  Driver had clean up shit.  That other story.  I love son very much.

October 9

Wife and me in argument tonight.  She sick of smoothness.  She want rough and prickly, like her high school lover Baros.  She say always to me, "Baros have lush chest hair."  She say always, "Majima have lush chest hair."  She say even that she has lush chest hair! I tell her enough and tell her to close mouth. I say "Shut fuck up!" word I learn from American movie actor Samwell El Jaxsun.  So, she slap me with fish. Fish hurt very much.

October 15

Again it happen.  I tired from work.  All I want is go to store and get food.  But bastards will not let me in store.  They say "No, no, little boys no can go in here.  This you need," as they stroke hair on arms.  Thick and rich, scented like paprika and cumin, they brush hair with special comb made of porcupine.  I try to run past into store, but I am stop.  I am told to go three mile up town to store that is open for boy like me.  I get home late, 11 o'clock.  I go to bathroom and weep.  It not fair they not like me for smooth skin.  I not wish for this.  Enough.  I make plan to change.

October 16

I buy gun.  I plan to shoot them all.  Shoot them all dead.  Dead dead dead.  I want bodies all around me, rotting and decomposing.  But I get lazy and call man to get rid of raccoon problem in backyard. For self problem, I think I try to glue hair from head on arms.  People around not smart.  They will no notice.

October 18

I underestimate people.  When I walk into store, men start laugh.  "Oh God, he have glue on arms! HAHAHA! He must be like pre-puberty little girl! HAHAHA!"  I get mad.  I punch man.  Two guy, actually.  Not good idea.  They chase and chase and chase.  Only time that smooth skin help me in life, I run away easy.  Their hair catch in wind.

October 19

I am out of idea.  I will never be accept into society.  Wife gone with Majima.  She move in with Baros.  He own goat-shaving factory.  I think I use gun on self.  Goodbye.

April 24

I am very happy.  I love this place.   After I write last entry in October, I not able to pull trigger.  So I search for place where I able to move and fit in as hairless gentlemen.  So I call Mojmir and say, "It your uncle, where you live, I need place for sleeping, you have room on terrace?" Mojmir say, "Anyos, we are family, you no sleep on terrace, no way! You sleep on kitchen floor!" It amazing where I live with Mojmir (and Julio).  They introduce me to whole new world. Now, I most popular guy in neighborhood.  I always out on weekend with guy friends, we get drunk and dance at super hot discotheque dancing clubs.  I work as host at premier restaurant.  I am always ask for go places and hang out.  There are nights I not remember because I have so much fun.

I love America. It totally fabulous.  I learn word from gentleman I meet in bar.  He very nice to me.  I living American dream with car with four wheels and medicine for virus! Streets paved with cement, and not cover by dirt and hair!  I love very much Miami! Anyos' new home!